Thought Catalog

If I Went To NYU

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Flickr / Dunja Klar
Flickr / Dunja Klar

On my first night, after freshman orientation, I’d start a cassette-only record label with the American Apparel model down the hall. We’d release dubstep remixes of witch house songs and make out in front of popular party photographers. We’d break up after she cheats on me with Ezra Koenig, and then I’d write a 20,000 word blog post calling Vampire Weekend our generation’s Boston.

This post would capture the attention of editors citywide, six of whom would hire me (at a rate of $1,000 an hour) as a party reporter. Then I’d attend parties, mostly; an ex-girlfriend might see a picture of me telling Jesse Eisenberg a very funny joke on Gawker, and rue the day she ended things with me, cool city guy.

I’d smoke cigarettes like I do now, but at NYU this would be, for some reason, fascinating; “how absolutely wonderful you smell,” Karen O would say, climbing out of my Bushwick love palace/D.I.Y. space some Sunday morning. (Beach Fossils, playing the night before, would tell me they’re naming their album after me, and that every chilled-out note of it would be a tribute to my largess and ineffable hipness.)

I would finally accept one of the hundreds of personalized, gold-embossed art gallery party invitations I’d received, and immediately upon stepping into the gallery would 1) become the perfect sort of drunk where you’re calm and buzzed and not vomiting either your heart or dinner out, 2) befriend James Franco (“I loved Howl,” I would say, by way of introduction) and 3) have my picture taken by Terry Richardson, under the (mistaken) assumption that I am a drugged, naked twenty-one-year-old. Franco and I would snort prescription pills off the Brooklyn Bridge and talk about being young and attractive and famous.

Then he’d jump.

I’d write about the experience for the Village Voice, recount it, teary-eyed, on the Today show, and routinely use it as a pick-up line. (“You know, I’m the guy who was standing next to James Franco when he killed himself,” I’d say. “Here is a business card with my home address, Tumblr handle, and preferred underwear style,” they’d say, handing me a business card and running out the door to get things ready for me.) Eventually I’d probably go to class, and pass on the strength of my charm alone, and then maybe I’d go into advertising, or academia. TC mark

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    • Josh

      i’m an NYU student, and not gonna lie, this describes Tisch students to a T.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

      In other words, you’d become an insufferable twat, ruining the East Village for generations to come.

    • http://twitter.com/thatchigirl Kennyetta

      love this.

    • Anonymous

      Way to joke about that when James Franco’s hometown has a really serious youth suicide problem…

      • Anonymous

        ^^^^and then there was your brother/sister who went to Sarah Lawrence and spent the entire time fighting for all the bathrooms to be coed and telling you why that corny joke you told “Wanna hear a chemistry joke? K.” is actually racist/chauvinist/insulting to the poor.

      • Customconcern

        My hometown/country has the second highest male youth suicide rate in the OECD and I thought it was funny. Bro. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500654073 Kevin Kelly Kenkel

      all you forgot was the “in the field” work you’d be doing working with underprivileged inner-city (black) youth.

      THOSE photos on facebook make my stomach turn

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      uhhh

    • Anonymous

      Well done sir. Well done.

    • JAIME WRIGHT

      The problem with this article is that no one who goes to NYU is actually this cool.  Most people lose their energy after they stop living in one of the cool dorms freshman or sophomore year, and the commute in from Bushwick becomes too much of a burden.  

      Jaime, Tisch ’11

      • Alex

         Agree…I just graduated from NYU (CAS’11!), and this piece sounds a whole lot cooler than my four years spent with my head in a book all the time. and i never saw james franco, not even once. such a let down.

        • sammi jawsome

          He used to hang out at that Starbucks on Washington Square East and hit on freshmen girls (this was Fall 2008)

        • Alex

          I actually heard of him being there, but not hitting on freshmen. Should have known. 

      • Lydia Deetz

        That’s not the problem with the article. Its the POINT of the article. Its an overblown fantasy about what its like to be a student at NYU…

    • Anonz

      I wasn’t even aware that NYU was/is cool. My feelings are the same after reading this.

    • S.H.

      I’m so “over” articles related to New York City… Jesus Christ.

      • Anonymous

        If I went to NYU I’d be so over articles related to New York City … Jesus Christ

    • munchimaid

      Always wanted to go to NYU since middle school with a passion.  Someday on my deathbed I’d like to say I was a student.  

    • munchimaid

      Always wanted to go to NYU since middle school with a passion.  Someday on my deathbed I’d like to say I was a student.  

      • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

        #bleak

        • munchimaid

          thanks

    • Laurstash

      i am an NYU student and this article is so sad yet so true.

    • http://twitter.com/iamthepuddles irreverent puddles

      i just dropped out of nyu. meh

      • Anonymous

        bills bills bills #amirite

        • http://twitter.com/iamthepuddles irreverent puddles

          mostly just shit, shit, shit

    • Anonymous

      This was so funny. Your grade is A+.

    • http://distractionetc.blogspot.com Jennifer Schaffer

      Hahaha, NYU… enjoyed this.

    • http://www.wilfordlauren.tumblr.com Lauren Wilford

      “witch house”

      Solid gold, all of it.

    • Alex

      glorified state school

    • justathought

      This could have been much better, very disappointing. Bad caricatures of a caricature are a very tired satirical choice.

      On another note, It’s always amusing to see how many people take the time out of their day to make fun of NYU…. I guess I would too if I had wasted just as much money to be stuck at some small sad stoner liberal arts school. 

    • justathought

      This could have been much better, very disappointing. Bad caricatures of a caricature are a very tired satirical choice.

      On another note, It’s always amusing to see how many people take the time out of their day to make fun of NYU…. I guess I would too if I had wasted just as much money to be stuck at some small sad stoner liberal arts school. 

      • Ewhite84

        NYU is not a small school.  

    • homegirl

      I feel this was written for SEO purposes.

    • Anonymous

      My sister’s at NYU. I curse her every single day. She wanted to go to UCLA

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