In March of 2020, my university was shut down. I was told by my school that if I could go home, I should. I moved home. The next few weeks were filled with me frantically trying to handle the move and trying to adjust to online learning. Throughout this I was also fighting for my life as I battled disorders that plagued my mind. Little did I know, the REAL fight was just one therapy session away. My disorders gassed each other up in the locker room, wrapped their hands with cloth, slipped on shiny new boxing gloves, made their way to the arena, put on their mouth guards, and entered the arena where I would meet them, terrified.
Healing is something that I’ve always supported in others. I’ve always been the friend that encourages self-discovery and taking time to yourself. I’ve always been the friend that supports my friends when they are distant and going through something.
The thing is, when it comes to me and my health, the supportive attitude and unconditional love vanishes. Since a young age, I’ve been the kind of person that always expects more of myself. I’ve always expected nothing but the best, but that ends today.
Healing in quarantine means decluttering my space. It means going through everything in my closet and getting rid of anything that holds negative memories. Healing is the realization that if your space is filled with material things that remind you of negative experiences, you are going to feel those negative emotions every time you are in that space.
Healing in quarantine means following the advice of my therapist. It means taking time to make a positivity board. It means taking time to develop ways in which you can talk yourself down from an anxiety attack. It means taking an hour a day to do all of the things that bring you peace. It means logging off of social media for months at a time.
Healing in quarantine means ending the toxic cycle that is my dating life. It means putting zero effort into dating because right now, I need to heal my mind. Right now, I need to understand why my mind works the way it does. I need to understand why whenever I get rejected, I automatically feel like I am the problem. I need to understand why I have this overwhelming urge to be in a relationship.
Healing in quarantine means looking at my body in the mirror more often. It means applying moisturizer in front of the mirror and appreciating each and every part of me. It means healing my body from the traumatic advances made on it by men. It means reclaiming my body and loving it as it is. It means becoming aware of when I’m working out to change the way I look and when I’m working out to make myself feel good. It’s understanding the importance in that difference.
Healing in quarantine means surrounding myself with friends and family (from a distance) that make me happy. It means reaching out for help when I need it.
Healing in quarantine means finding the healing power solitude. It means making being alone an enjoyable experience because when the world goes to shit, the only person that’s going to truly always be there for you is you.