To Sell Insurance, Or Drugs? Funemployment Post-Fun.

The post-graduation blues are a real thing. In fact, a lot of things are real or a reality, such as unemployment, depression and the realization that finding work with a fringe degree is slim-to-nil.  My concentration is in Creative Nonfiction from a large liberal arts college. As far as my resume is concerned it’s a B.A. in English.  If any employer uncovers my sinister little secret I’ll just break into the ol’ “I can explain post-modernism in less than ten essays!”  routine; the struggle is real.

The struggle, you know, of actual job hunting. I’ll admit: I dicked around for about a month before actually job searching. The morsels of entry-level/post-grad jobs have been thin up until now. Quarter one has ended, and anybody willing to still live in the wild colds of Chicago has since migrated, so jobs have been flourishing like a flash fire. Well, put out my flames with gasoline, sign me up!

The emails have been pouring in from potential employers in the copy-and-paste “We’ve reviewed your resume [insert candidates name]” email hook. Buzzwords like “go-getter” or “self starter” that are meant to motivate me to apply have had the opposite effect. Maybe it’s my insecurity, but after forcing myself to correspond back with these brand-spanking-new sales/marketing firms, it’d be clear that I’d be jockeying a telephone next to a phone book. The pay? Commission. The office? Anywhere you desire! I’m not one for selling insurance by phone, but hey, car companies used to sell their models door-to-door. That worked, right?

To be fair, it’s been a rough first couple of months. As mentioned, my beloved city is frosted over. Nobody is having any sort of fun wafting back and forth in the brutal urban tundra. Hell, add seasonal depression to that list of ‘real’ things. With the reality of cold is the reality of submitting myself to a less-than-savory job. It’s not as bad as it looks, if Baron Von Munchausen could pull himself out of the mud by his own fucking hair then so can I.

There are other options. Maybe I could teach English in South Korea? Maybe I could go back for my Masters? On the off-hand chance that I liked menial office work, maybe I could stick it through. Maybe I’d like it?

But as the weather should be warming up in the upcoming weeks, maybe, no, I should just sell drugs.

Just think: a full-time job with great pay, and a network of already eager buyers. One could set their own hours, hell, they could set their own profit margins. With enough hard work and dedication, I could pay my student loans off as quick as a kilo goes up a nose.

I was just as delusional getting into my major as I was thinking it would land me a job. In that spirit, I’ll just imagine that there is a firm of dedicated drug dealers that advertise on craigslist with stock-photos of suited-smiling young people complete with buzzwords and abstract promises of high-salaries. The difference is an actual product. No experience necessary? Well I have sales experience, kind of. Some other copy-and-paste requirements:

1. Ability to manage and travel throughout large geography. 

  • I’ve lived here basically my whole life. I know this city inside and out. This city is basically a collaboration of intersections, train stops and corners (of which most business would be conducted).

2. Strong presentation skills.

  • “Hi, I’m Daniel your drug dealer. I’m not a cop. Here is the heroin. Thanks.”

3. Full background check, to include and meet requirements for Criminal and Motor Vehicle Record.

  • The ad in question promises a company vehicle and my license has a year left on it. But the best quality about this is that I don’t use the product either, so my skimming will be at most a very low minimum.

4. Strong organizational skills and ability to work independently.

  • Ah! More buzzwords! The more you read it, the less sense it makes. Every job requires that you be organized and be able to work alone. If you can’t be at the minimum sort your shit at least halfway, then you’re practically unemployable.

5. Bilingual skills preferred.

  • Spricht mann Deutch? Spanisch – ich verstehe dich nicht.

The last requirement was that they preferred but did not require a bachelor’s degree. It doesn’t take a genius to sell drugs, however I’d imagine it takes an intense amount of wit, networking skills, marketing, a pinch of insanity and lack of a fear of being shot and/or robbed. The last is where I fall short, but like any inside/outside sales gig, I’m willing to learn.

It’s ridiculous to want to sell drugs, I’m aware. In job searching, it becomes your own job. It can heighten your anxiety. Me, a guy who can hardly follow his own advice needs to realize that some shit work isn’t that bad – it’s work. But fuck me if I have to learn people’s full names and their general interests to make for a more solid work experience. However, the thought of diligent drug sales and none of the repercussions of illegal activities is one of those daydreams that keep me from the search.

…And back to the drawing board. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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