Thought Catalog

I Am Going To Kill My Internet Self

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I swear I’m gonna do it. Right after I finish this novel, and complete the perfect-biting-spiteful Tumblr page, and arrange my Last.fm last 50 songs exactly right, and leave my Facebook wall posts cryptically-sparse and upsetting as possible, and tweeting links to my Tumblr-novel to everyone of the 250 people I follow, I am going to kill my internet-self.

Only a few (my roommate and his dog) will witness the ceremony of tossing my laptop battery into the creek, but, in the coming days and weeks, when it becomes apparent just how dead and gone I have become, all my internet family and friends will mourn over my deactivated accounts.

He left me a link to my favorite song, they’ll say. He put that picture from that awesome party sophomore year where we hooked up as his profile default, they’ll say. He listened to the Microphones’ ENTIRE discography as his he did it, they’ll say. I imagine support groups will be made on Facebook and my name will be a trending topic on Twitter.

They’ll all feel bad for not tagging me in enough posts, for leaving my wall a barren wasteland of links to stuff that obviously no one liked. They’ll go through our friendship page with tears streaming down their cheeks and over the track-pad. Hashtag: remember that time he answered that survey and listed fifteen movies that reminded him of fifteen friends? They’ll feel the ghost of me when they look through old photos and see my name sans click-through-link.

What will I do? I’ll be a real person. I’ll get a job as a roofer or a tile and dry-wall guy. I’ll trade my iPhone in for a beeper so I’ll be completely cut off. I’ll carry quarters with me to use at pay phones by gas stations. I’ll use a Mapco to look up directions for places. I’ll write a journal about it and I’ll be hailed the next Thoreau by people who hate the Google generation.

I mean, I’ll be practical though. I’ll leave my Gmail active. I just won’t check it but every Thursday at 9:30 AM. I might slip up and check someone’s Formspring or look at a non-members restricted Facebook profile picture—but I will not succumb.

I’ll spend an entire year away. In the wilderness I’ll learn to survive—and it’ll be scary and difficult at first—but I’ll develop a new sense of self. I’ll walk downtown without a backpack or phone or watch or compass and I’ll look at things. I mean really look at things. And I’ll talk to people. I mean really talk to people.

I assume (reasonably) that chicks will be drawn to me. I’ll grow a ragged beard and develop toned muscles from my manual labor. I’ll inhale whiskey at the bar every night until my tolerance is Hemingwayesque. When a girl approaches me and asks for my email or phone number, I’ll eye her firmly and tell her, “I don’t have one.” Then I’ll light a cigar and tell her that the motorcycle back to my teepee is a one-way ride that leaves in fifteen seconds—and frankly, I could care less whether Ms. Internet-dependent hops on or not.

Yeah, that’s how it’ll be. If anyone wants to join me I guess you could write me a letter or something. Or hit me up on MySpace. I’m definitely keeping my MySpace. TC mark

image – pocket-lint
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Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

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  • Sophia

    I know this was supposed to be satirical, but is it naive of me to actually be planning to do these things? I’m trading my iPhone in for a crappy flip phone in January, and I plan on deleting Facebook when I graduate college.

    • Inmyfruitcup

      I’ve been planning on the same thing.
      I truly have become a slave to technology.

    • Anonymous

       I only use flip phone pre-paid technology. This gives me the aura of being mysterious AND cheap.

  • GeeC

    ^ same as I

  • http://twitter.com/katiereedII Katie Reed

    Haha awesome. Great timing to read this since finals has descended upon us and has made the phrase “social media” the equivalent to “terrorist”.

  • a.

    If my job wasn’t literally dependent on having a Twitter and Facebook, I’d definitely be in. It’s overwhelming being constantly keyed in.

  • Linds Dist

    Marry me.

  • http://twitter.com/SchauerTime Lindsay Schauer

    I would totally get on the motorcycle. 

  • molli

    The last line is the best one.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    you won’t an hero

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

  • Meghan

    oh man today is my 1 year anniversary of not having a Facebook. All the people who write about giving it up for Reasons #1-3002 and then go right back because of reasons #1-3003 are weenies. Honestly, Top 3 Decisions I made this year and I made a lot. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Losing a Facebook identity!  Whoa.  That’d be like traveling back in time…all the way to 2004.

  • Guest

    Best article on here in a while

  • Struckbyheavymetal

    Take me with you to your land of noninternet invaded harmony and rugged individualism. I imagine that it is filled with anit-hipsters, hippies, and lumberjacks and that everytime you smile at someone the response is a well thought out soliloquy on the meaning of life.

  • Anonymous

    tinyurl.ie/7fb

  • Guest

    Currently juggling finals and the urge to succumb to social networking sites…didn’t think I could do it. After reading your article, I think……maybe I can actually do this….

  • emz

    It’s like a modern-day “Walden.” I like it.

    • ~anon

      hence his thoreau reference…

  • Falsestart_11

    Best.

  • CJ Surita

    HAHAHAHA!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Porcupeth Tom Nevati

    I love The Microphones

  • deal withit

    don’t want to be all enviromental here, but if you want to roam the country, you don’t want it’s creeks filled with laptop batteries, would you? you could solemnly deliver it to a recycling plant

  • Rachelle

    hilarious.

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

  • Gem

    This. My heart. 

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

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