I hate you.
I really do. I’ve never hated anyone but I’m sure that I hate you. You with your stupid hair and your stupid clothes. I hate your stupid band and your stupid music. I don’t want to hear your photocopy tunes anymore, it sounds like everything else I listen to! I hate the way you talk and how you think. Drugs are not a magical gateway to enlightenment! You’re not alternative, you’re just kind of annoying.
I hate how you always texted me when you were high, I wish you would’ve left me alone! Couldn’t you have bothered someone else? I hate how you gave me your favourite pair of socks when my feet were cold. And I hate how it warmed my feet and my insides. I wish it didn’t and I wish you didn’t have an effect on me.
I hate the way you always looked at me, like I was a song that you wanted to learn all the words to. I hate how that look made me feel, it meant the world to me that you wanted to figure out every bit of my messy mind. No one else had ever bothered.
And I hate that I needed you to ease my pain because I couldn’t. Things had gotten so bad and I was so sad. And everything was changing but you always stayed the same. So then there was me. Me with my stupid sadness and all my stupid worries. I always seemed to make things so complicated!
I hate how I always called you when I was drunk and sad, which was pretty much all the time. Why was it always you? You made me feel like things would be okay, even when I couldn’t see how they would be. You warmed the coldest parts of me and made me appreciate all the good things in life. I thought you were the brightest star in the sky and I hate that I couldn’t see that I was even brighter. And I hate that I couldn’t help loving you. I tried not to, I really did! I knew you had a fickle heart, all musicians do.
But it didn’t work and I loved you anyway.
And I hate that you left me when I got too sad and anxious. You shattered me into a million pieces and you left me here all alone. You didn’t understand why I was so messy and why I couldn’t fix it! You just didn’t understand me at all! And I hate that I thought of you for long periods of time and I listened to all your songs over and over again. And I got drunk a lot but no amount of alcohol could fill the emptiness that you used to fill. I hate that it was so easy for you to start loving other people. Did I mean nothing to you? Do you write songs about them now? I can’t even love myself, let alone love someone other than you.
I’ll never understand your heart and you’ll never understand mine.
And I hate you.
I hate you so much. But what I hate the most is that I don’t really hate you. Not at all. It’s easier to pretend to hate you than to admit the problem is the way I feel about myself. I loved you so much that I lost me in the process. I’ve realised that I need to learn to love myself again, instead of loving you. I need to heal my broken heart and focus all of my energy on getting to where I want to be. I can’t keep searching for you in every crowd and on every stage! You hurt me, you should no longer cross my mind! You’re not here to pick me up when I’m down, I need to be able to do that for myself.
I loved you but I’m learning to love me too.