1. The Cheapo
This guy’s first, middle and last name is CHEAPO in capital letters. Everybody loves a good bargain, everybody loves coupons, everybody loves a 2 for 1 deal but this guy takes his dates to SaveOMart Mall. You see, girlfriend, you spent 2 hours getting dolled up, makeup, hair and all that fancy shit only to get to a down the middle of the highway Starbucks. You know, philosophy, literature, art, history….there are just so many things he can offer you. Very few women can understand this type of ….philosophical man. His love transcends everything you’ve been taught about dating, including the $4 super skinny grande caramel praline latte you ordered (and paid for yourself). He raves and raves about how he’ll cook you up this amazing salmon dinner only to get there, wait for 1 hour, and get served Ramen noodles on a platter with a speck of cheese on top.
Oh, and that champagne bottle he also raved about? It’s back in the cupboard and for the sake of his pockets, he hopes you forgot about it. He just does SO much for you hour long intimate conversations about why there’s life on Mars but you stuck up cunt just can’t get past his damn cheap ways. That $7 beer he bought you when you were out in the parking lot taking a stroll (for the 3rd date in a row because you were stupid), is that not being gentleman enough? We are living in a feminist world, for God’s sakes! Since when is a man obliged to pay our dinner dates? You got a hot date tonight, honey? Well, put on your miniskirt, heels and lipstick and go impress that man, and if he’s shelling a whopping $10 on your watereddown cocktail, it’s blowjob time.
No, really. He wants you like you don’t want him.
2. The Houdini
This man is known for one thing, and one thing only (okay, two, if you count his schlong). Just when it gets hot and heavy, just when fireworks are about to start, just when the cake’s outta the oven…..he poofs! It’s been 3 days, you’re all pathetic and mopey by your phone going, “What the fuck just happened, Ashley?!” Yes, it’s true. No, I can’t see him. And neither can you. While you’re holding a vigil for Mr. Houdini, he’s rotating 20 other women on the side plus his ex. Meanwhile, you’re hitting the gym, tightening up your glutes (take that, asshole!) when BAM, he’s back with a text. Thanks to your family’s divorce, you wanna give Harry 9 more tries even if the sex was subpar. Him calling you back? Girlfriend, that’s a miracle only you, Jesus, and your $200 an hour shrink understand.
3. The Sexologist
If you like sex, this guy likes sex 20 times more plus handcuffs and whips. Pump and dump is his way of life. He can be really emotional, caring, and giving…..when he’s behind you, slapping your butt and pulling your hair. No date is complete without a handy. Sex is the gateway to Heaven. If he’s spent $49.99 (without tax and tips) on your outing and you’re not heading back to his place to find a deeper sense of Oneness with his crotch, don’t be surprised to die an old hag with 13 cats crapping your 25 square meter squalor. His dick is a shrine and the fact that you’re being all disrespectful and shit to it, is really not cool, girlfriend. Right now, his 4.5 inch pecker could be giving you mindblowing volcanic orgasms, but noooo, you wanna call it a night. Next!
4. El Desesperado
This man will give you everything your girlfriend can you give, multiplied times 20. Did you get a call at 9 AM? 3 PM? 10 PM? How about at 11:39 PM? And those cutesy 20 texts throughout the day helloing, whatsuping and okaying you? Feeling a little dizzy from all that attention? Just lean on his shoulder, ’cause he’s going to be there for the next 3 years waiting for you to say, yes! I’m finally yours! Girlfriend, you’ve been bitching that men aren’t attentive enough and now you’re pulling a bitch face ’cause his phone calls have replaced your alarm clock? So you went out for coffee and it meant jack shit to you but since you’re such a nice polite girl, you couldn’t just be an asshole straight up and tell him, “You’re face sucks”. “Let’s just be friends” to him means, “I want you to pound me, but I’m playing r eal hard to get.” You know why the Titanic sank, right? ‘Cause there was too much baggage on board. Time to let one loose, screw saving lives.
5. The Dick Pic Sender
Sadly, this happens all too often in the dating world, well, if dating is even a proper word for watchamacall it these days. If you’re real lucky, you’ll have seen an average of 1 dick pic in your lifetime. But not all men are created equal. So, like, 45 unsolicited dick pics from more angles than his momma could remember. Guys, next time you wanna send a dick pic, please refer to Flowchart Nr. 349 on page 247 of “The Idiot’s Guide on How Not To Be A Dick….and more!”. But just remember, next time you want to click send on unsolicited dong pics, I’m going to be forwarding it to the cute State Trooper down my block :wink:wink: to hunt your ass down.
6. The Netflix Guy
Actually, this should go hand in hand with Nr. 1, but you know, it’s kind of like an epidemic with today’s cheap men. No, cheapskate, I don’t want to come chill at your place and ehem “watch” your $8 monthly Netflix. Unless you’ve spent a minimum of $200 on our outings, it ain’t happenin’!
So, dear men, please, do yourselves a favor, stay home, and save yourself a headache from us ruthless demanding inconsiderate women. Redtube is always free and those $8 could be spent drinking 6 beers instead of 1. Enjoy!