Sitting down to write again is hard.
There are unspoken stories that are woven with every letter that I type. They scream the exhaustion my body has faced. They echo the tears that I have wept and they attempt to soothe my bruised heart.
It has been the longest road to my freedom. And there were so many times where I didn’t think I would make it here:
I never thought I would find peace.
But there is only one person to blame for my torture… you see, I used to be under some misguided belief that I had long cast away my shackles of self-destruction; only to discover that I was simply lying to myself.
I can blame my abandonment issues or maybe my trust issues- I’m sure I can throw in Daddy issues somewhere amongst the pile of excuses. Because that’s all that it really is: excuses. Yes, I may have very real issues and deep psychological issues- but I hide behind my eighteen years of damage, as if it is a shield… but it is not protecting me.
It’s a barrier: preventing me from healing.
These wounds have been open for far too long and its time to patch myself up and stitch the deep cuts closed. It is time to finally realize that no human being completes me.
The truth is that it is a lot harder than just saying the words out loud: that I was a whole person before you and I’ll be a whole person after you. Realizing that you don’t need anyone to complete you is like love. Love is not a noun it’s a verb- it is an act; it’s a decision.
Everyday I wake up and say “you do not complete me”. There is only one being that completes me and that is God. I do not need to rely on another person to get me through my rough seas because my faith will carry me through my storms and fight my battles for me.
And yes: allowing myself to be ‘completed’ by someone else is so much easier than standing on my own- but what kind of a message would I be sending to myself?
“Hey, I don’t think you’re worth much- so I’ll just let some guy be my sole happiness.”
I deserve more than the self-destructive voices in my head tell me that I do: and so do you.