I Am Slowly Learning That I Can Love You And Not Be With You

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Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash

I thought if I tried enough, we would not have to part. I kept giving it my all in hopes of somehow stitching our relationship back together… but it is broken. In two halves. Separated.

I couldn’t understand why all of my efforts weren’t fixing anything. I wanted to scream at you and ask why you weren’t trying- I didn’t ruin us; you should be the one fixing us.

But you were not interested in fixing us, you weren’t interested in doing what I needed- you were interested in fixing you. Which I understood- I have only ever wanted you to be happy… but I couldn’t understand why being with me didn’t help fix you? How had our relationship put pressure on you? I thought I made you happy; I thought I was your safe place from all of life’s rough seas.

I realize now: what is best for me is not necessarily what is best for you. So maybe we are separated by that too. We are separated because I love you and still want to be with you, while you wish to love me from a distance.

How can you love someone and not be with them? How can you say you love me and you miss me but not want to be with me? Why aren’t you upset by not talking to me? Why am I the one crying my heart out every night missing you… Did I really mean nothing to you?

But I guess through all of the torturous nights of overthinking, wondering and crying; I understand I need to learn to love you and not be with you.

I am not ready to close the door on us ever being together but I can learn to live a separate life from yours and still love you. It’s the little things that were hard at first: not talking to you, not seeing you and stop myself from wondering if you missed me. The nights were the worst- not having our goodnight messages, not hearing your voice or falling asleep in your hoodie.

Every day gets a little bit easier; because I understand now that I have to force myself to learn… if I don’t, I will only hurt more.

But I will keep my heart open for your return because I can’t let go of all the love I have for you. I can only hope you will do the same. TC mark

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