I’m oh-so terrified of falling in love with someone, because I am driven by my insecurities.
I don’t want it to show, I don’t want to let them know… that every time they leave me on read or send mixed messages; that every second text they hit send or every little comment made; every Instagram like and hours of no replies: I read so deeply in between lines, it’s as if I am swimming to the bottom of my subconscious.
But no I am not about to confess how insecure I am, I’m not about to ask you to reassure me and tell me exactly how you feel- because you are most likely to run away and no I really don’t want you to leave me… take an icepick to my heart and slowly tap until it shatters, while I have no choice to pick up the pieces and fumble to glue it back together again.
I wish I could shut it off! I have tried countless times but the voices- they yell and scream sharp words at me. Telling me that I did something wrong that you will never love me; that I’ll be forever trapped in an endless cycle of loving and hating you. They accuse me of driving you away into some other girls arms; scream at me “what’s wrong with you”. And I don’t know! I don’t know how I came to be this sad and insecure little girl who needs words and gestures to console her fears.
I’m not trying to be clingy; I’m not trying to strip you of any freedom. I’m hurting and it’s my own fault- but I can’t stop it. Please forgive me for my insecurities- I never begged for this life of insanity driven conflict.
Please stay and drive my insecurities away.