An Open Letter To My Next Relationship

A couple sitting close together on a rooftop watching a golden sunset in Esplanada do Teleférico
Mahkeo / Unsplash

I’ve contemplated the thought of you so many times and now it has occurred to me that you may not just be a thought, you may be real. While thinking of you and all that you could mean to me, there were several things that I needed to say.

You may have no idea as to why on earth I’m apologizing to you now, but one day this apology will be needed. Maybe I feel like I need you to be warned? You need to be cautioned about all the chaos that is me. Yes, I know, “everyone has baggage.” But, I can guarantee with the utmost certainty, that you have never dated someone with as much baggage as me. I don’t mean that no one has ever gone through as much as me; I simply mean that, unlike most, I haven’t left any of my luggage in the past. All the bags that I have had since I was a child I lug with me every day.

My heart has been put through compressors and shredders, time and time again. My abusers have trained my heart to fear vulnerability and have taught my mind to doubt everyone’s intentions. Being with you is the scariest thought to me. I cry at the thought of you because if I’m dating you: I think you are the one.

I wouldn’t risk the pain and heartbreak of losing someone again unless I honestly believe that you are the one that will stay, and that terrifies me even more.

I will mess up; bloody hell, I will mess up so many times. I’ll get clingy and jealous; I’ll get emotional and think about running away; I’ll overthink and cause fights. But you need to know that I’m trying, I’m taking things slow and I’m trying so hard because I don’t want to mess this up. I’ve rushed every time, I have gotten hurt and they have left…I do not want you to leave me.

So, I am madly and deeply in love with you. I wouldn’t be with you if I wasn’t. Your laugh makes me smile, you make my heart full and as scared as I am, I will never stop trying.

Love, Your Future. TC mark

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