Everything I Never Said To You

We broke up. It was cordial. I think I was pretty gracious, especially when I said I wish you all the best and hope you are happy- and I meant that, I still mean that. What I didn’t do though, for the first time in our relationship, was tell you how I felt. I felt no need because it’s not like you really listened any of the other times. So here are all the things I never said:

I agree, you are selfish.

You told me you thought you were too selfish for me. Let me add to that though, you are too selfish for anyone- the most selfish person I have ever met. When I was sick, you didn’t even offer to get me anything. When I was upset and in a funk for a few days and expressed that I just wanted to be around someone to distract me, you invited me over but then retracted that invitation a few hours later saying you couldn’t because you had other plans- plans with someone you had already seen three days in a row, plans you could have invited me to. Instead, you cancelled and told me that you were not always going to physically be there for me when I needed you. BUT IT WAS THIS ONE TIME THAT I REALLY NEEDED YOU!

I told you a few times one weekend that I was sad and wanted to be distracted and you told me you could not be there for me. That is when I should have realized that you would never be there for me. I told myself it would get better, it was still so early on. I should have realized that when you never offered and I always offered, there was something wrong. I thought I was just being maternal but now I realize I was just being a decent human. So yeah, you are selfish.

You’re right; I don’t think we would work out either.

You were my first proper relationship; I didn’t know what was considered “high expectations”, what I should compromise on. I was so happy when I was with you but towards the end, I was just so aware of all of our differences. I was not even happy anymore, I was just telling myself I was because you made me laugh or it felt good to talk to someone. I knew we were not right for each other but I also thought you were supposed to try to make relationships work, that is why I kept trying. I thought these things happened but you worked through them. Thanks for making me realize that it was not worth it.

I wanted to break up, too.

The day you broke up with me, I was also thinking about breaking up with you. Someone had asked me how our relationship was and I did not know how to reply. We seemed fine but it was definitely not the same.

Then I started thinking about all of the reasons why I wanted to break up: bailing on me, putting in the minimal effort to see me, never asking me how I felt about anything, barely showing sexual interest in our relationship. I thought I was just being insecure. I thought I was just overthinking everything again because I am perpetually overthinking. I thought that these thoughts went through people’s minds.

So I did not break up with you because I thought, again, a relationship was something you worked through. I was about to do it though. Right before you said you needed to call me, I was going to drive to your house and tell you that it was not working out. I did not want to do that to you though, not when you were still sick and had an interview the next day. Then I told myself, again, that we could work through this. That maybe if I just told you one more time, you would finally hear me and things would be different. Lucky for me, you did not take my feelings or what was going on in my life into consideration, you just went and did it. So while that sounds like sarcasm, I really am thankful you did.

You’re a lazy coward.

You broke up with me over the phone. I know no one wants to go out of their way to see someone they are about to break up with but really? Two one-minute phone calls! Fuck you for this! Out of everything, this is the only one that fills me with rage! That I was not worth basic fucking human decency!

I’m sad.

I am fine and then all of a sudden, the emotions come back. It sucks. I try to calm myself by saying that it is for the best and deep down, I know that it is. I know I can find someone that will make me so much happier, someone that will consider my feelings. I know I will find someone who does not just tell me I am important to them but shows me I am important to them. I tell myself that you were great preparation for any future relationships.

While I lost you, I gained knowledge I did not have before. Those justifications do not change the fact that I feel like this though- that I feel like I was not worth more effort, that someone I cared about does not care enough about me to try, that I did not lose just a boyfriend but a friend (except now I am starting to realize maybe we weren’t even that because you definitely treated your friends with more respect.)

Your rationale made no sense.

I don’t understand how someone can go from saying, “I think I might love you,” to wanting to break up because of such a small thing that happened- a miscommunication that changed your feelings for me. Surely, there has to be more, that could not just be it. Not a day has gone by that I do not want to ask, but there is no point because it does not change the fact that we already broke up.

I am not going to fight for you.

It’s not because I do not care about you or even that I also had doubts and wanted to break up. You decided to call me and tell me that you wanted to break up. You did not tell me you wanted to work through it or even ask how I was feeling or anything and that’s fine, you are in no way obligated to. You made up your mind; you decided that we were not worth the effort. So why would I fight when the only other person in this battle hd given up?

You will never find someone like me.

I am usually a pretty humble person but not right now. I cared about you a lot. I went out of my way to help you. I told you exactly how I felt about everything and while that may be annoying and unnecessary, you could never say that I was not open and honest with you. I showed an interest in your favorite things and tried my best to enjoy them too. I am smart and interesting (yeah, maybe not as humble as I thought) and adventurous. I know I have my fair share of faults but you lost someone special. So while I wish you happiness, I hope you regret giving me up so easily.

Despite all of this, I still care about you. You were fun and we had great times together- you made me so happy. You were the first person that made me feel like I was not going to be alone forever, that someone liked me enough to be in a relationship with me.

You were the first person I believed when you told me I was beautiful. You made me realize how much I can care about a person. I gained so much from you and I am forever grateful for the time we did have together. I hope you can say you gained something from our relationship too.

So while I wish I could tell you to go to hell, I don’t mean it. I want you to be happy.