I’m Terrified Of Knowing What It Feels Like To Miss You

The little girl in me has always believed in fairy tales. She believed that she was a princess waiting in a dark tower for her prince to find his way to her on his stallion. That he would whisk her away to a place safe from the devastating reality of life and make her happy forever after. But as that little girl grew up, everyone told her that fairy tales didn’t exist, and for a while I started to believe them.

You walked into my life out of nowhere. How could I have foreseen my prince strutting into my life with his edgy aesthetic and metal-head tendencies, let alone considered that under all your emo aura, the heart of a teddy bear was buried? As your walls came down, your golden heart shone through, and in that moment I was terrified. I wasn’t terrified because I thought you would hurt me; for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel worried about getting hurt or being left behind. I was completely vulnerable with you, and I was actually okay with it. You made me feel safe, and not just that.

I had spent the majority of my life with walls up so high that not even friends I have had for years could penetrate them. I had been bruised and broken over and over again. I was so tired of having people hurt me, so one day I decided I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to. You changed everything.

I had tried so hard to keep you at a distance, but you burrowed your way into my heart before I could even say no.

And now you have become my best friend. You have turned my frustration into motivation and have cheered me on when I couldn’t believe in myself. Every tear I have cried, you have kissed away. You made me want to be a better version of myself—that’s when I realized that I had found the real thing. I had found my fairy tale. But as happy as that moment was, it was also my moment of fear.

It was when I realized I also had just that much more to lose.

I have had one too many relationships that I regret—I guess that is a part of growing up. I tried to convince myself that those relationships would last and that they were good for me. But this relationship is different. That was the first time I said that sentence and knew it was true.

You have become such an important part of my life. Losing you would mean losing my partner, my confidant, and my shoulder to cry on. And that terrifies me. 

I know what it is like to miss someone. I know what it’s like to lose someone. But losing you is not something I ever want to go through; I’m terrified to.

But I know I have to trust that you aren’t like the rest, and deep down I know you aren’t. So if you aren’t like them, why would I ever need to know what it’s like to miss you? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Andrea Sachs in training.

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