I’ve spent the majority of my life, trying to put myself into neat compartments. I often pictured it as if I was filing information into a Manila envelope, then filing that into alphabetically order, putting that order into a box and filing it in categories on neat shelves. I preferred to know exactly who I was so that I wouldn’t feel like I didn’t belong in this world. I needed to have that solid identity.
So I labeled myself, I labeled myself as Genderfluid, Lesbian, Writer etc… but the funny thing is that although I gave myself the labels, I was trying to fit others labels. I was forcing myself to act and look like a particular image that society has of what Genderfluid people should look like- Truth be told? There is no such thing as what a Genderfluid person, non-binary person, should look like. So I battled with identity issues until I realized that my problem was socially created and decided to stop trying to box myself.
Now, that sounds way too easy? Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying it’s easy. My hardest struggle was my sexuality. For years I knew who I was, I knew I was gay. Liked girls since I was twelve… until recently when I started working on my “male associated trauma” did the barriers of my childhood lift and I found myself having romantic feelings and physical attraction for a guy in my life. I battled with it, I prayed about it, I cried to my friends and my mom. Until they all said the same thing- I am who I am, regardless of who I love. So here I am, doing a 360 reverse out the closet and for the second time… coming out as Pansexual.
Do not box yourself, you are too unbelievably gorgeous and undefinable to be put into neatly categorized boxes. You shouldn’t set yourself labels and try to only achieve those labels, be larger than life! Be bold, be authentic… you are changing every day and although the labels help you to know who you are, they provide the comfort of a safety blanket- I know… but we all grow up one day and then our safety blanket gets ripped away.
Let today be your day.