First thing yesterday morning I walked into the kitchen in my fragile hung-over state after a heavy Saturday night and my flat mate said “XXX didn’t last long did he”- fucking great.
Dorm sex. It isn’t easy. The rooms are tiny with walls so paper thin you can pretty much hear when the penis inserts, Let alone if either of you are actually making any moans and groans. There are a few things you can do to resolve this, but to be totally honest, it’s a lose-lose situation.
1. Cup them over the mouth.
This will only work if the boy you are sleeping with has over 10 brain cells. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out when to hush down in the sex department, but in my recent experience, the boy has taken this as a sign of ‘lets get rough’ sex. Which as said before, will more often than not end up in an attempted murder situation. Im not putting my hand over your face as a sex thing, I don’t want you to try and bite my fingers like you’re a horse being fed. I want you to shut up so I don’t have to explain this to my flat mates in the morning.
2. The ‘Shhhh.’
This technique can get real ugly, real quick. While this boy was on top of me sweating and grunting like Johnny Vegas on a hike, I looked him in the eyes and said “Shhhh” I gave him the forceful stare as in “no really, shut up” but he misconstrued this as me creating some intense emotional connection. No, no. back up a second. This isn’t titanic, I’m not Kate Winslet and you certainly are NOT DiCaprio. Im not trying to look longingly into your eyes and soul. It went from perfectly adequate sex to slow, awkward, one-sided love making.
3. The Say Nothing.
This is a sort of follow the leader tactic. I figured if the guy was being really loud then I would just make no noise at all and hope he’d follow my lead. Well no. It ended up in him thrusting away even harder, clearly thinking that there is some sort of ‘hit to win’ button at the top of my vagina, All the while letting slip these bizarre wounded animal sort of sounds. Pretty much you might as well fuck them through a mega phone as you’ll end up having to apologize to your flat the next day anyway.