Fuck Buddy or as I’d like to call it, The FuBu, is a person you do the humpty with on a regular basis [at least two per week] on the mutual understanding that you both want playtime and nothing more.
The FuBu engagement doesn’t have any restrictions like a normal relationship would; however, there are certain guidelines to consider when participating in one.
1. Do communicate with a filter. Honesty is the best policy but telling each other your current dating escapades isn’t necessary.
2. The Dine and Dash. No sleeping over whenever the humpty is held at either participant’s place. In the event that the visitor is intoxicated and doesn’t look like he/she should get behind the wheel, this rule can be amended.
3. The No-Cuddle Clause. Cuddling is to be avoided but if either party expresses their desire for it, then a little leeway could be made… every now and then with a maximum of three minutes per cuddle —people, don’t get too comfortable.
4. NPDA: No Public Displays of Affection, please. Holding hands and spontaneously planting a wet one in public isn’t appropriate. However, playing in public is a whole other story…
5. If either decides to play outside of the Fubu relationship, please wrap it up. Herpes isn’t attractive.
6. No Gift Giving. Buying someone coffee is acceptable but the only present that you should give is some damn good coitus.
7. No Games. Scrabble is okay but doing the whole ignoring each other for no reason but to one up each other is juvenile.
8. If you can no longer partake in the FuBu relationship, don’t hesitate in being upfront about it; a clean break is the best way to go.
You might ask as to why I choose to engage in “surface relationships” … It’s simple really: when there are no emotional entanglements, the chances of someone getting hurt is slim to none and the only attachment that that should be, is one’s peen to another’s vag [for others, “a peen to a peen” or “a vag to a vag” — to each his own].
Aretha Franklin got it right: there should be R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — even for the FuBus.