This Is What Happens When You Ask For Too Much From The Person You Love

woman standing on beach with blue hair
Ariel Lustre

My love, I am sorry for being the lover you did not deserve.

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.
I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t because my mind has grown accustomed into thinking that we would have more moments like that one, more moments to create together. Sadly, you never know the last time is the last time because you always thought you would have more.

And I wanted more.

More moments wherein I could make you the happiest person alive, more chances to show you how you made my heart so full that I could almost feel it ache with joy, and more days to celebrate your entire being because, darling, everything that you are is all I have ever prayed for to God.

I wanted more years, months, weeks, days, hours, seconds, a lifetime with you. I wanted more of you.

But I’m sorry. It was because I wanted more that gave you more reasons to leave. I am sorry that the weight of my being was too much for you to bear, that the process of loving me has led for you to lose yourself.

I am sorry for all the times that my presence has imprisoned you and hindered for you to thrive in all the things that you love to do. I am sorry for needing you so much that it has reduced you into nothing. I am sorry for all the times that I have mistaken your silence for a subtle plea to leave.

I should have understood that you only needed some time away. I should have understood that you only needed to find yourself. I am sorry that I am so frail, but I promise you, though little and insignificant, I have given you everything that was left of me.

I am sorry for being the lover you did not deserve, but with all the strength that my heart possesses, I promise you I tried my best.

I tried my best to be deserving of your love, to be deserving of you.

My love, I am certain that the universe has conspired to bring me something good in the form of you. In no lifetime did you deserve the pain I have caused you and it will always be a heavy weight that my heart has to endure.

Now, I know what it means to lose forever because I lost you.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again. TC mark

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