It’s crazy when you realize that no matter how hard you try to preserve yourself, sometimes circumstances change you. I loved the shit out of someone. I mean, I never thought I could love and smile and laugh and cry and hurt and feel pain like that, from another human being who came into my life so abruptly. So unexpectedly. Like the thought of someone else’s actions affecting you to your core. How ridiculous. Something you have no control over, controlling the way you live your life. Disrupting your sleep. Making you crazy.. A stranger turned lover in a whirlwind of months that ended in heart ache. Over and over again.
To be a strong person and admit that another person makes you weak from the hold they have on you… that’s some scary shit. You want to make them. Force them. Smack the shit out of them when they do things you don’t understand. You forget, that people do things differently. People love differently. People are selfish, unintentionally. When you meet somebody that can make you laugh until your stomach hurts and cry until your head is pounding.. it’s a lot to take in. You want to be there. You want to do everything humanly possible, everything in your power to protect that love. It’s sacred. When you’re fine with being vulnerable with someone… when you are content in a state of vulnerability.. that’s powerful. It’s delicate. It’s fragile.
And then, that trust thing. Our Love was built on the passion that erupted from your betrayal. Shit is toxic. addictive. suffocating. nauseating. That guilt. The first time you told me you loved me, it was right after you hurt me. It was between tears. And that became the trend. Smooth sailing and then betrayal. And then the tears and the persistence. And the I love you’s. And we patched it up every time. But you can’t patch up hurt with jokes and “we’ll be fine”s. You can’t remove that scratch on those red-tinted Love goggles.
Just as love grows, so does hate. So does loathe. Hurt and spite can start off as the smallest of seeds in the darkest pits of your being and grow.. into something uncontrollable, unexplainable. And then.. it’s like it seems like nothing changes, but everything changes. It’s like you criticize them for being who they are, but you become them.
They say you become most like the people you spend the most time with. That goes for the good and the bad. I caused you to hate me for the very things I hate you for. Being hurtful, disloyal, deceitful. Lying. Hiding. The problem with being hurt by someone you love, is the result of what you do in return. It’s a lose lose. Revenge. Instead of just walking away. Because it’s like, you don’t want to let it go or let it die. No one wants to be the one that let it die. But nothing can grow in a casket. The Love is 3 feet under, suffocating, stuck in the dirt.. and in order to bury it completely, you have to lace your boots up and climb in the hole and jump on the casket. Like jump on it to get it 6 feet down. Easier to jump on it to push it down then to lift it up by yourself right? Because the person you thought would be there to help you pull it out is nowhere to be found. So you take your first jump, and now you’re crying and jumping but making no progress. Why the fuck won’t it move?
In the chaos of your feelings, you didn’t even notice that the other person is standing just below the casket, not pushing it up.. just holding it. So now, you’ve got this casket filled with your love. They’ve got it on their shoulders and they can’t push it up cuz it’s too heavy with you on top and you can’t push it down because they’re holding it. Too busy fighting each other to fight for each other. And you stand there. With tears streaming down your face. And you’re tired. But you don’t climb out of the hole. And it rains, and it snows and the sun comes out. And you’re still…standing there.. waiting. And your legs are weak and their shoulders want to give out but there is an eerie strength you both have for not giving up…. A destructive double-edged sword kind of strength. The same stubbornness and passion that kept you together is now keeping you apart.
And sometimes you never even come to a clear understanding. There is never a “goodbye”. No closure. Still two hearts lost. Searching for something .. and you don’t even know what it is. You can be happy without them. You can survive without them. You can move on. It’s just… different. Leaving a trail of broken hearts trying to find one that beats like theirs…….