I’m Not Easy To Love But I Will Love You More Than Anyone

 katiabiruk
katiabiruk

I should tell you as early as now…I am not easy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I might have fallen in love with you so fast and facile. I might have given you a fragile part of me the moment you showed me affection and care.

But bear in mind, this is just the beginning, when everything still feels surreal, when we both came out of the fairy tale and decided to make this our reality.

We’re still drowning at our own fantasy of a perfect relationship, of true love, of our unbreakable bond. We’re overjoyed with the feeling of having someone to hold, to miss, to need (and be needed in return), to laugh and get weird with, to want to stay with for a long time. This may actually seem as a dream, the only difference is, we’re awake and going with the flow together.

Yet (and the scary but)…you haven’t seen my worst. You haven’t seen how mad and sensitive and jealous I could be. How I could cause you so much pain in the ass, in the head or in the heart. I could manipulate and make you go crazy over my endless demands and rants. Though I would never want to but I could crash your heart with words I could yell. I could make you feel guilty and defeated whenever I would cry for reasons you may never understand. I could argue with you over petty things and overdose you with bipolar mood swings, especially during my time of the month. I may not always be your little miss sunshine, sweet and thoughtful. I could be the most annoying when I get too clingy, talkative and attention-seeking. I could be darker than Darth Vader.

At times, you may find me over-compulsive, controlling, insane and impossible to reconcile with. I could be self-centered and narcissistic, suspicious and obnoxious. Oh yes, I could rip your brains out as you try to decode what I say and what I actually mean – when ‘fine’ doesn’t mean ‘okay,’ when ‘go’ is the automatic ‘stay,’ when ‘yes’ is a hidden ‘no,’ when ‘whatever’ is ‘you should know,’ 0r when my silence is short for ‘shut up.’ There would be times when you would question yourself, ‘how the hell did I even fall in love with her.’

I am not easy, though, you also haven’t seen the best of me. How much I am willing to give just to make you happy.

Oh, what I would do just to make you feel the extent of the love I am capable of. I could be your most disastrous experience — the kind you would never forget, the kind that could destroy your egotistic and proud throne, the kind that could shatter your world in ways you’ve never known possible.

But know this;  my devastating chaos is my strength, my blazing fire is my light, my unrelenting storms are my grace and my raging rivers are my overflowing love. All of those make me the only one.

There’s no other girl who could give you this much. I love you now, but I could love you more, if you would let me. If you would be fearless to accept me — the whole me, what I could become, the parts of me that frighten you.

It would be easy for you to say yes because you like the chase, the challenge. But you should not chill and go easy, because things will not always be as beautiful as the fairy tale we came out from. It may turn odd and ugly. We could be both too hard to handle. I’d be willing to compromise because I know that aside from love, we need understanding, respect, patience, forgiveness, commitment, and trust, more than anything. But I would need your efforts and sacrifices. Maybe more than what you do and show now. I would need more of your time and attention.

I could not afford to be at the bottom of the list, not when you’re on top of mine. I’m a dead serious type and if this terrifies you, we may better end this now while the attachment has not run deep yet. Because I couldn’t risk getting hurt by someone coward and uncommitted.

You chose me. But don’t take me easy. And worse, don’t take me for granted. Because when I decided to give you my ‘yes,’ it wasn’t just a word. I gave my heart, my world, and my life with it — the most delicate pieces of me. To you and only you.

I’m not asking for breakable promises, for unrealistic heaven and stars, for luxurious gifts, for everything too good to be true. I’m worth way more than that. I’m just asking you to be brave enough to take my flaws and imperfections with everything that you’ve found amusing about me. And still find me the most beautiful despite them. And still keep me, pursue me, tirelessly. And still love me, unconditionally. TC mark

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