Whatever you want, it’s fine. Whatever you want, it’s cool. If you want to be fuck buddies, let’s fuck. If you’re down for drinks at midnight and you don’t want to ask me out to dinner, then I’ll just meet you there and eat before. Split the check? Sure thing. And I know that you come to this bar a lot, so if you feel apprehensive to be affectionate with me in front of everyone, I understand. You’ll be in my bed later anyway, so you can show me then that you want me.
It’s fine. And no, you don’t have to tell me how you feel. And no, I won’t say anything either because I don’t want to mess this up (whatever it is), and I don’t want to be “too much” and ruin this perfectly good thing.
“Cool girls” don’t do all that. “Cool girls” will order another beer and they won’t give a shit about what this all means. “Cool girls” will just live in the moment and not overthink anything and they won’t put pressure on their feelings that they’ll never be the first to admit.
They’ll just laugh and flirt forever, because they don’t need anything more than what this is. No expectations. Either way, it’s cool. And no, you don’t have to text me tomorrow if you don’t want to. We aren’t anything. So I’ll just assume you had fun. And when you text me something like “hey” or “what u doing” or “come over” I’ll just assume that you want to see me, that you miss something about me, even if it’s just my body.
But it’s cool if you don’t say “I want to see you” or “How are you?” or “Are you free for dinner because I had so much fun the other night and I would love to do something again really soon.” Nah. You don’t have to say any of that. It isn’t necessary. I like you and you like me and I’m feeling cool and relaxed with that. I will never be that girl to vomit my feelings all over you so soon. I will never be that girl who will expect things from you. I will never hold you to some unrealistic standard. I’m a guy’s girl who likes to fuck around, too, and letting myself feel too much too soon just isn’t me. Stay firm, don’t give in. Vulnerability? Nah. Whatever happens happens.
But I just can’t do it anymore. For such a long while I was so OK with it, but I’m really so over all that now. I’m too old to not give a fuck. I’m too smart to assume what the fuck you’re feeling. So just grab your balls and say it.
If you’ve been fucking me this long I think you can ask me out to dinner by now. And I think you can pay for it. And if you’re going to explore my body the way we both know you’re going to at the end of every night, then I think it’s fair for you to touch my leg underneath the bar, or for you to give me a kiss in public, tell me I look pretty tonight, that you’re happy to see me. And don’t be scared.
You’re not going to die if you treat me like a lady and make me feel wanted (not just under the covers) and I’m not going to die either, if I look at you straight in the eyes and tell you that I like you and ask you without faltering, “What do you want with me?” Whatever it is, at least we can acknowledge it. At least we can talk about it. At least I can tell you that maybe I want more from this, from you, and that I deserve something more. I’ve been too proud for so long. I don’t want to be proud, anymore. I want to understand the way I feel, go for what I want, and say it.
There comes a point in life when being “the cool girl” isn’t enough anymore. And honestly, why do I keep thinking that cool girls are supposed to keep their mouths shut, be so easy-going, not get too attached, not admit attraction, and not be vocal about what they really want in fear that they’ll be perceived as “that” girl, instead?
Seriously. You know what, I do have expectations. And I want something more. I like you. I want you. And I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, but if we are going to devour each other’s bodies (again and again and again) I think we can give each other the decency of expressing what it is we both want (even if it’s just this).
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t want “whatever happens happens” anymore. I want something relevant. And I don’t want my ego to rule my life. So, what do you want? And no, I’m not asking you first. I am asking me.