It was another night I fell asleep praying for you. I hadn’t heard from you in a while, but that’s been us lately. We don’t have to talk all the time to know that we are in each other’s lives. We feel each other, anyway. We’re good like that. And I feel you everywhere. All the time. You are a serious presence in my life.
But I could feel that things weren’t going right for you. I knew it since the last time we spoke, but I could feel things getting worse. I could feel your troubles becoming heavier and darker and that you didn’t know exactly how to handle it all. I hated that you were alone dealing with that. And all I could think about was how I wish I could take some of that pain away from you and let it become my pain. Even for a little bit, I prayed, just let him breathe.
Give him a break from whatever is tormenting him. Let him see how great life can be. Let him taste it again.
It made me ache how badly I wished for your happiness, for you to feel a sense of lightness in life, for that darkness to ease. I worry about you. And all I want to do sometimes is hug you so hard and not let you go, even when you try so hard to let go first. I want to tell you to be quiet when you feel like you have to talk so much to distract the moment from bringing too much attention to you. You always do that. Stop doing that. And don’t say anything. Just let yourself go for a second with me. Let yourself feel safe with me. And know that you’re not alone. Know that no matter what happens in this maddening life,
I am here for you. Always.
And I will love you. Forever.
It doesn’t matter how dark your world gets, or how many mistakes you’ve made, or how terrible a person you feel as though you’ve become. You’ll never be a terrible person to me. I will never judge you for anything you’ve done or however you’re feeling or what might happen after this. And however you fear that I will perceive you now, fear not. My place in your life is not to judge. It’s to listen. It’s to look at you with honesty in my eyes. And it’s to be a comforting presence to you, if you could only figure out a way to let me in.
But that’s what happens with cool guys like you. You only let people in so far. And it’s so frustrating because you’ll say you’re fine when I know you’re not fine and all I want is to be that person you call and tell everything to. I hate it when you’re alone. I hate it when you’re on another binge, feeling as low as low can get, and nobody knows where you are for days.
I just… All I want… What I wish the most…
I just wish I could take away your hurt.
You’re wonderful and I want you to know it. And I pray that change finds you. And I know it will. Because I know your heart. And even though it’s struggling right now, I know you will believe in life again. Until then, just know how much I believe in you. I always have. I always will. I love you that much.