1. What could I do to not be here tomorrow? Oooo, I could get hit by a cab!
2. Prostitution isn’t wrong. Is it?
3. I could always marry for money. I’d probably literally do anything.
4. I wonder if I could still donate my eggs for cash. Does it matter that I’ve become an alcoholic since I started working here?
5. I would say “Good morning to you, too!” but it worries me that “Fuck off. You’re annoying me” might come out, instead.
6. Good thing I’m such a great liar. Just in case anyone asks if that was me crying in the bathroom before I took a three-hour lunch break to see my therapist.
7. Office Appreciation Day? I hope you choke on those cakes that look like sushi rolls.
8. I know I should be productive this weekend, but I’ll probably just drink my face off to pretend Monday through Friday doesn’t exist. Again.
9. I could totes live off of unemployment. Hmm, who’s the best person here to harass so I can get fired, like today?
10. Team outing? Seriously? Didn’t we just have one last year? Fuck!
11. Die, emails, ya stupid whore, die!
12. Mmm, Xanax.
13. Well, I’m glad I went to college for NOT this.
14. A promotion? I can’t. I’m allergic.
15. I’m convinced half this office is employed by the zoo.
16. How is it only 9:27 a.m.?
17. I avoid eye-contact for a reason here, people.
18. Wow, you actually care about this? I’m sorry.
19. Bob got fired? Who the hell is Bob? (Pretends to care.)
20. Damnnn. That Foot Fetish job on Craigslist was a scam? But that was my latest escape plan and they paid in cashhh!
21. I know that project was due Tuesday, assholes. Today is Tuesday. Ohhhh wait, you meant Tuesday of last week?
22. This meeting is stupid AF. I have to leave. I have so much work to do after this.
23. If only these fools knew what I was really doing for half the day.
24. Half-day Fridays sure would sound better if I had a soul to nurture. Unfortunately this job has killed it.
25. There has to be another option in life.