Fuck the dumb dog face with the tongue. And fuck the rainbow river that pours from your mouth when you open it. I’m talking about the sexy Snapchats. The naughty ones. The alluding kind. The kind that titillate, that unleash your inner vixen in an average of three to seven seconds and gets you all hot and bothered to think about the oh hello! reaction insides someone else’s jeans when they open it.
But let’s be clear here. Taking a sexual Snapchat isn’t easy. This isn’t taking a picture of snow or a cappuccino or a drunken duck face selfie. This is capturing your freak flag. Like boom, there it is. And here’s how to do it.
The Tittie Shot
First step: don’t forget about the nipples. Nobody gets hard off puffy nipples. Ya gotta pinch them. Flick them. Get them hard and perked up. Tired-looking titties are for amateurs. Push them together. Get the cleav rockin’. Even if the nip doesn’t make a cameo this round, it’s still hot to know that underneath that meaty handful there they are, ready to play, all hard and wanting to be bitten. Now suck it in—you know that tiny boop you just can’t get rid of at the gym because of all the beer and brunch potatoes. Try one of those heroin model poses.
Toss the hair all over. Mess it up. Shake it. It needs to look like sex hair—like you’ve just been pillaged and all you want is more. Need more. Now. Cause you’re gonna explode if you don’t get it. Now bite your lip. Not too hard. Just a little. Make a kissy face. And squint your eyes as though you’re in pain. Cause it hurts to want someone so bad—that kind of look. (Even though he won’t be focused too much on your face when the dolls are out…)
The Ass Shot
You have to stand with your ass towards a long mirror, then take a selfie over your shoulder. Make sure to push your butt out and up. Take a picture to see what you’re dealing with back there. Forgive yourself a little. It’s been a long winter. Maybe do a couple deep squats to get things ripe again quickly. The unexpected long-windedness will help with the sex-savage look. Take another peek. (Forgive yourself again that it really has been a long winter.) And maybe change your underwear. Something cheeky, lacey, less “period” worthy. And no, not those. You know you’ve had those since college, unfortunately. In fact, throw those away. You’ve gone home too many times with those stuffed in your purse to have them still be sexy fresh.
Commando is good, too. Because everyone loves a good bare ass. This is a good time to use a filter, too. Dark and gritty is hot. It’s suggestive. Like, they know what’s there—but to see it through a blur of fuzzy and purple is much friskier. Next: Don’t forget to take off your socks. Makes your legs look too short, too soft. And besides, nobody wants to fuck anyone while wearing socks. (It’s the mental image of a lazy fat man with a red face and a sweaty tongue, who gets really out of breath after three pumps in.) Heels are golden. Tippy-toes will work. Arch your back a little. Butt still out and up. Bada bing, bada boom.
Taking this might be tricky. And yes, he already knows what you look like there, so disregard the fear of looking like a can of exploded spam. Dudes love doggy style. It puts them in control and in prime sight of your delicious wonderland, so don’t be shy about taking a pic of it. You took all those yoga classes for a reason and now is the time to get limber while holding a cell phone. Use a filter here. Again, the grittier the pic, the better. It’s about the allusion, the tease, the raw want for more, more, more. And yes they would probably cream themselves in two seconds if we just got straight to the good stuff and sent them a pic spread eagle, but we’re naughty ladies here. He must reciprocate a snap if anything more happens now. It’s only fair. The ticket to Erection City doesn’t come for free, am I right? Make him work for more.
The key to taking a sexy Snapchat is just go balls to the walls. Don’t get nervous. There is no right or wrong way. You could stand in front of the mirror looking like a boring hotdog and he’ll still want to bang you. Just have fun with it. It’s all about the confidence. So go be a vixen, play around with this pose and that pose and hell no, not that pose, and love your body. Who would have thought that something that lasted for three to seven seconds could be so titillating.