Thought Catalog

When We Attempt To Trust Each Other Again

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Marcelo Matarazzo

I know you’ve been hurt, more than once, maybe more than twice. I know it’s hard for you to trust people again or let anyone in. I get it. You have suffered, you’ve been left hanging and though you tried to fight for what you had, in the end, you still ended up alone.

It’s not easy, and the process of healing will never be easy. It might take quite a while before you can actually say that you are back on your feet. And while you’re at it, while you are healing, I’ll be right here waiting.

I said it before and I’m not afraid to say it again – I’ll wait for you.

I have never thought that a day would come that we would actually meet face to face again. After all, you were the last person I wanted to see after graduation. You made my life miserable when we were kids and I never understood why you did it. I hated you every single day. I couldn’t wait to switch schools just so I wouldn’t see your face anymore.

But come college years, sometime in our late teens, we got in touch and somehow, something has changed.

We’ve changed. 

Even if there are times when you would still try to piss me off, somehow, I have learned how to counter your attacks. And I’ve never felt happier. Knowing that I could talk back to you online, without the risk of being embarrassed in front of the class, in case you ever come up with a quick retort – it felt good. And it went on until we started working. I may not see you, but I feel like a part of me knows more about you. All of a sudden, I stopped hating you. It was something I have never expected. Just like that – through our exchange of words – I was healed from the deep wound and awful scar that you have created in our younger years.

Gradually, you showed your weak sides too. If I still hated you that time, that would be a good chance for me to laugh at you. But I don’t seriously mock people I don’t hate. A part of me felt sympathy towards you. I wanted to understand what you were going through, although it was totally none of my business. We were not even friends that time. Or were we? How did we go from enemies to chat buddies?

I live in my own crazy world too, just like you. I have insecurities and I’ve been lied on and have been deserted by people I trusted the most. Not just once, not just twice. Maybe that’s why I totally understand what you were going through. I know how it feels.

Come adult years, we’ve finally seen each other in person – after years of just talking online. And for the first time since I first met you when we were kids, I realized that I’m totally over my anger. My mind even told me I might actually like you. But a lot of things happened to us after that first meet up.

We went on our separate ways, we walked on totally different paths, but we still managed to stay in touch, for reasons I don’t even understand. We continued to do what we do best – talk online. I shared some of my deepest wounds with you, things I can’t even tell my so-called friends. And the best part about knowing you is that…you made me laugh when I wanted to die. Your words, no matter how simple they are, they managed to sink within me. I don’t know how you did that. But all of a sudden, dying seemed boring.

Though you were thousands of miles away from me when I was going through hell, you have managed to save me, and I will be eternally grateful for that. I wanted to do the same thing for you; I just wish I knew how.

Fate may have been playing with us all along, have you noticed? 

Years after that first meeting, here we are again – walking right next to each other. Where are we going? I honestly don’t know.

Best foot forward.

We’re both wounded by our past but we gave our best smiles. We’ve got a lot of healing to do from the series of deep cuts caused by other people, but we refused to show any signs of pain in our eyes. Maybe we are both scared to go through that shithole again. Maybe that’s why we don’t want to go that far – in fear that this time, we would be the reason for each others’ misery.

What do we do now? Should I hold your hand? Can I trust you? But more importantly, would you trust me? If I hold on to you, would you be willing to let go of all the pain you’ve been through? Will you trust me and believe that I won’t do the same thing to you?

Just so you know, I’m having a great time walking right next to you, though the destination is not within our sight. I wonder how far we can go. TC mark

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