Remember To Let Magic Find You

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Brooke Cagle / Unsplash

I remember asking you, “What are you doing to me?”

Not that anything was wrong or amiss, but rather, everything was completely right. You just smiled and didn’t answer.

That night, as I went to bed alone, wearing your t-shirt, because it was the only way to feel your warmth in your absence, I asked myself the same question; What are you doing to me?

What are you doing to me that all signs of logic have taken their leave? What are you doing to me that all my thoughts have ceased and have been replaced by your image? What are you doing to me, that my universe suddenly seems exceptionally brighter when you’re near, colored with the sound of your laugh and the incandescence of your smile?

My experiences in past almost relationships and heartbreak left me cold and shut off from the idea of pursuing anyone. I reasoned that I was fine being alone and that it would happen when the time was right. Though I longed for the romance seen in films and fairytales, I was wary and too afraid to put myself out there and take another risk for fear of getting hurt once again.

I decided to let magic find me instead.

Working on myself, I discovered who I am at heart and dug deep to understand what I wanted out of a relationship and what that looked like. I learned to let go of control, love myself unconditionally, and kept my heart open and ready just in case someone like you came along. When you finally did, there wasn’t a moment of uncertainty or caution. There wasn’t a negative thought or intention. Your eyes met mine and I just knew.

What did you do to me that of all the possibilities I imagined, you surpassed in the blink of an eye?

How, in such an unfathomably short period, have you become the sun at the center of my solar system? I find my lips parting around the shapes of secrets I’ve never dared to speak aloud; what are you doing to me that I want to share them? What are you doing to me that I find myself in tears when I leave you? What are you doing to me that my deep-seated fears have been erased with an overwhelming sense of serendipity?

What are you doing to me that every single wall I’ve painstakingly built around the fragile remnants of my heart, crumble into dust under your touch? I may not know where our story is headed or what the future has in store, but I know kismet forces are at play. I know you’re the image I’ve imagined in fantastical daydreams. I know that you are an entire universe within a kind-hearted and extraordinary man that somehow found me in this madness of a lifetime and made me believe in magic again.

Whatever it is you’re doing to me, I couldn’t surrender to anything less. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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