I know I thought I had you all planned out. I am a planner after all- color-coding, list-making, the whole nine. Where I come up short is that I am not in control. It is absolutely impossible to plan out every aspect. That little girl who made plans to find a stable career, get married and have children, in that order, all by 26, is getting a rude awakening. (Yep, you guessed it. That not so little girl is me- and I turn 27 next month.)
I’ve recently realized that the only constant in life is change. Change is so inevitable- and the proof can be found in the amount of whiteout used on the pages of my planner. Show dates change, venues no longer need me, or plans are made with people in my life and they simply forget. Countless factors that affect the stability of you, my future.
It’s time for me to come to terms with the fact that nothing is a sure thing. There are things and people that I was once so sure would always be in my life. Here’s a few:
1) I used to live and breathe soccer. It’s all I wanted to do. I began playing when I was 4 years old, and never loved anything more. I wouldn’t even wear anything other than soccer t-shirts and shorts until halfway through middle school. But guess what? I don’t even play soccer anymore- and that’s okay. Things in life change.
2) I had a friend in my life for 7 years. He wasn’t just a friend, but my best friend. He helped me through some pretty difficult times in my life, and we spoke every single day. I was so sure we would never part ways- we would be friends forever. However, people change, just as things do. We went in different directions with our lives and are sadly no longer in contact.
3) My grandmother (I called her “Grammy”), who used to regularly write me letters in cursive to help me practice reading and writing, was a big part in my life growing up. She helped teach me how to properly hold a pencil, how to practice appropriate table manners, and how to love whole-heartedly. The things she taught me clung to me like the lipstick stain stuck to my cheek after each time she would greet me. However, when she passed away- it was the first time I truly realized that people aren’t always in your life forever. Sometimes they are just there to play a part, and she played a big one.
It is with this realization I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to part ways. I can no longer have this attachment to you- this idea I’ve created in my head for some perfect reality. There is no perfect reality, no path to the future that won’t have bumps along the way or change direction in an instant.
You may have provided some peace of mind for a moment when I created you, but I have to let you go. I’ve decided I’m opening myself up to whatever the future may hold, and accepting that it’s not going to fit into my perfect plan of what you should be. The only thing I can do is make decisions for today- ones that will make me happy, that are not based on fear, but on hope.
I am trusting that if I stop stressing over you, I will be capable of making decisions that make me happy in the present. I can start basing my decisions on whether the positives outweigh the negatives- allowing me to live much more freely and be present in the moment.
It’s time for this planner to say goodbye to the future she once planned.