Let’s be real – out of all the relatively ah-nnoying functions of the human body, the need to piss is by far the worst. At least if you need to sleep you can do it anywhere, anytime given the right conditions.
But noooo, if you need to relieve yourself, there’s only a handful of places you can do it in.
And there’s a handful of times in which it really makes your life painfully difficult. Don’t worry, we’ve all had to take care of business when we’re:
1. At a party
Where the music’s too loud and the morals too (kind of?) loose and the drink’s too sketchy and the line to the bathroom is ohmygod too long. By the time you get to the entrance, and somehow stagger to a stall, you may also promptly realize there’s no toilet paper. Your liver was questionably going to make it through the night – but now your comfort level’s at stake too…
2. At a movie
And the cocky-but-hot protagonist is about to face the final duel with his nemesis, and you want to keep watching, but suddenly the sensation comes over you inconveniently cause the people next to you already think you’re weird from all the exclamations and accidental nudging and unintentional popcorn chucking you’ve been doing this whole time. So now you might miss the pivotal climax on the way to the can, and irritate your neighbors in the process. Great deal.
3. At a job interview
In which your intimidating boss is grilling you about your ‘greatest weakness’, and in that moment all you can think of is answering I sometimes drink too much water prior to important events in my life. Damn if nerves don’t make the bladder even more sensitive. You squirm in your chair and pray that at the very least, your suit will be dark enough to cover up any splotches if you soil your pants.
4. On a f!@king road trip
And everyone in your family/friend group has already irritated each other by being bad sports about the ‘spot-the-slugbug’-game or license-plate-game or whatever the hell people actually play on road trips these days. Driving bro Johnny has already expressed that you’re only 15 minutes from Destination X, and he would really like to not stop. Well you’d also like to not get a kidney infection, so it’s either the good graces of your car-mates, or your body. After you make the decision to choose the latter, pray the next exit is coming up…
5. At a local coffee shop studying alone
And no one’s around to guard your valuables. You don’t want to pack up your laptop and lose the greatest spot in the world (next to that cuuuute barista, helloo), but you can’t trust people these days. You also apparently can’t trust your bladder to do the right thing and let you relieve yourself before your excursion outdoors. Now you have to awkwardly bring everything with you and then pray no one stole your spot. Most of the time, they probably did…
6. When In line to get food, and it’s almost your turn!
The cashers have just smiled at you…and suddenly, the sensation grips you and you contemplate if it’s worth losing your spot to go help the little guy/girl out.
7. In the front row of a concert
And the mosh pit’s coming (you can feel it), and all of a sudden you have to head to the bathroom in the back of the venue.
Welllll, good luck trying to get back to your ah-mazing seat that will enable you to touch Adam Levine or Lorde’s hand. As my friend put: HOLD IT or… yeah there’s really no alternative here. Hold it. Conceal, don’t feel!
8. In a dorm with a light sleeper for a roommate
Let’s face it—some people are real bitches about their sleep schedule, and if you prefer going back to your room at 4 a.m., all the power to you, but if you need to use the bathroom around 4:30 a.m., your roommate will hate you even more than she/he already did when you came into the room. You may laugh now… but I am not.
9. When you’re too lazy to get up
Even though a commercial’s playing during your favorite show, you’ve just made yourself so comfortable… I mean, there’s the blanket, and the cat’s actually being nice and sleeping in your lap for once, and you have a comfortable amount of chips left otherwise…but oh damn you don’t know if you can make it through another 30 second spot of Gatorade advertising without running to the white seat. Okay, fine…
10. When you’re not sure how much longer yo’ll have to wait.
Because you see, the longer you wait the more likely the event (ordering food or books of any sort, etc.) that you’re waiting for will happen. But if it doesn’t happen then you’ll be stuck even longer than you expected, cursing your 20/20 hindsight that you didn’t go to the bathroom sooner, but now it’s too late!… Tying in to #6, there’s also an ongoing debate over how long a customer ought to wait for their food before it’s diposed of. Gee if I don’t know…
11. When youre not anywhere near a restroom/outhouse/bush.