I’m packing up a few of our belongings and heading back to my childhood hometown tomorrow. This is my absolute worst fucking nightmare.
Ever since leaving when I was 18, I vowed never to return and dreaded every single time I ever had to go back there to visit family. I hate the energy there and never wanted to have my children in that environment. But lo and behold, here I am, and as much as I am trying to stay positive right now, I am dreading this like a mutherfucker.
I’ve been dealing with a whirlwind of different emotions over the past few weeks, from trying to see the silver lining with gratitude, to sleeping like it’s become my new job, because I was avoiding this as if it was just going to go away on its own or as if someone else was going to pack up all of my shit for me for the 23rd fucking time in my life.
Did I create my own fate? Did I subconsciously attract exactly what I did not want in my life?
I am So. Fucking. Over. It. And not just this move.
I’m over the spiritual journey. I’m over the spiritual “Awakening.” And I’m over trying to dissect every last bit of me that still needs “healing”. There is nothing left. Literally.
Picture a house that just burned down to a fuckin crisp. That is me.
Okay. I’ll stop now with the dramatics and my little spiritual pity party, but thank you for allowing me to honor my feelings.
The truth is that I do not feel like a victim in this circumstance by any means. I take full responsibility for my life and where I am currently, but there is still a part of me that has been battling these feelings of failure. I mean, who wouldn’t feel that way when after 18 years, you are now back in exactly the same place you were 18 years ago.
Which leads me to my reflection on what it means when our life comes full circle.
Just recently, I had two girlfriends say these exact words to me, “I believe that your life is coming full circle.” But what does that even mean? What happens then when your life comes full circle?
Ironically, I have been feeling like something is coming to an end, and not just this move, like a whole chapter, except it feels much larger…more like a book.
I am ending my story.
Although, I admit that I have been resisting this change, I have also had a very strong feeling that this is a blessing in disguise. There is a Higher Purpose. One that I cannot yet see but will soon make complete sense to me.
I know I just said that I was over my spiritual journey, but let’s face it, that’s complete bullshit because honestly, spirituality is just a part of me. So even when I try to hide from me, I always come back to me. And that’s exactly what I did last night.
I was up until 5 a.m. reflecting on my life and what I have learned in just the past three years, since moving to Maryland, and then went further back to the last six–seven years and then even further to when I was 18.
I won’t go into all of the details because that would be like a 12-hour read but I did want to share some of the key life lessons that I’ve learned with you.
Consider this a little spiritual Enlightenment cheat sheet. You’re welcome.
Priorities. Know your fuckin priorities. Where I fucked up with my priorities was chasing the American Dream in hopes of giving my children a better future and while doing this, I missed out on spending a lot of quality time with them. The priority IS them. Not the material things.
Whatever it is that you think you are looking for, is not actually what you are looking for. You are looking for you. Find yourself. Know Thyself. Trust yourself.
Return to Jesus. This is life changing. And I am not a “Holy Roller” by any means but throughout my life, I resented religion so I also turned away from Jesus. Jesus loves everybody. They are not kidding about that part and I’m so glad to have reunited my heart with his.
Love your fuckin Self. Own yourself. Take care of yourself, and make yourself a priority. You are important, deserving, and worthy.
You are not a victim.
Do what you love. This is not cliche’, this is the real deal, and doing this will allow you to show up as the best version of your authentic Self.
Life just is. The purpose of life is to be here and experience everything.
Happiness is a choice. And it’s one that only you can make.
You need very little in life to be happy.
Gratitude will rewire your brain. You can practice your affirmations all you want but if you’re not practicing genuine gratitude in your life, you are wasting your time.
Know that you are always supported and will always have everything that you need.
We are all each other’s greatest teachers, flowing in a constant state of giving and receiving.
Change is happening in every moment. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Attach to nothing.
Forgiveness is not about the other person, it’s about you. Forgiveness is choosing your peace.
Stress will kill you and unhealed emotions will manifest as pain, illness and disease in the body.
Love is always the answer.
Be here now. Put your fuckin phone away. God forbid you’re on your deathbed one day and your last thoughts are “Damn, I seriously wasted all that time on Facebook?”
Face your fear of dying. We are all literally dying. We started dying the moment we were born.
As my life comes full circle, I am fucking relieved. I am glad that it is ending. This is where my journey actually begins. I am a mutherfuckin Phoenix rising. Now back to packing.