An Open Letter To The Boyfriend Of My Lesbian Lover

Shutterstock/Eugenio Marongiu
Shutterstock/Eugenio Marongiu

So it happens, girls in straight relationships find themselves interested in someone of the same sex and they don’t see the harm in exploring that.

Dear boyfriend/fiancé/husband,

It really was innocent to start. Maybe something came up in conversation, something a little more personal than what is usually discussed at work or in superficial social circles. She reached out to me or I reached out to her and we both made time to meet for lunch. We talked about work or cats on the internet then we talked about our families and our close friendships. When we realized we had similar opinions, we talked about our relationships. She confessed that you don’t talk to her anymore, that you’re scared to get to know her any more than you already do because you fear that you’ve grown apart and you don’t want to face it. I listened with genuine interest because I could empathize and well, she clung on to that. Our conversations fed one another in a way that we hadn’t really considered being serious, until it was too late to turn back and ignore the feelings that had developed. So she came over, maybe spent the night, maybe it was a series of nights. Truth is that as good as it may have felt in the moment, there was a reality lurking with every sunrise. “Will she wake up and realize that being with me is so much of a responsibility, a responsibility she’s not willing to take on?” I’d ask myself as I remember how the night before she said “how will I tell my mom/how will I tell my kid/how will I tell my friends?” or “no one will believe this is more than just a fling.”

And there it is, that word, fling/tryst/phase/just a bump in the road, that dreaded word or small group of words that sums our connection up to something one shouldn’t take seriously, something temporary, something invalid. And ever since she used it that one time she’s been using it with more frequency. When that clichéd question comes up in asking myself what you have that I don’t, the answer may or may not be that obvious to you, but it is ease. The ease of not having to change what she considers “just about everything” to live a life with someone of the same sex.

Life may be easier, but the decision wasn’t that easy so do me a favor and take the following into consideration. When the weather starts getting gloomy she likes to be held and reminded that there’s warmth in you. Hold her and ask her how she’s doing even if she hasn’t said a word. Don’t be afraid to talk to her about what’s really scaring her or you. Nothing about her is scary. Nothing about her is less than beautiful. Make her feel that. When she’s acting like a princess, there’s an insecurity she’s looking to you to make right. Take the time to reintroduce her to the sensuality in intimacy; it’s a divine thing she wishes she could indulge in more often.

When you come home to her listening to Tegan and Sara, she may or may not be thinking of me. Let a playful glance and a kiss remind her she made the right choice. Maybe don’t just take this part into consideration. Just do it, please.

Thanks dude. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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