You held me close, brushed my hair to the side of my cheek and laid my head down on your shoulder. You whispered to me all the things that I wanted to hear. The cold breeze would cover us and we would both feel safe in each other’s warmth. You would constantly check up on me and ask if I was doing okay.
You would call me at the most random times just because you wanted to hear my voice. We would do video calls to see each other and talk throughout the whole day and never get bored. You would always find stories to tell and you would always ask the weirdest questions in the world just to keep me talking.
The only problem is, that was the old you.
You would text me 20 minutes late with a reply like “ok” “yup” or “yeah”. You would sleep without even saying so and I’d be stupidly staying up the whole night waiting for your text just thinking that you went for a nap and you weren’t too inconsiderate to text back. You would constantly tell me things that would hurt my feelings.
I would ask questions and you would just answer them, not being sensitive enough to know that I am trying everything to make conversations with you last longer. You know I have a problem yet you wouldn’t ask what it was or if I was fine or okay or something. You treat me as if I have no feelings.
And this is you now.
To be honest, that is true. I don’t have feelings anymore. You have made me numb and all the pain you will cause me will not sting enough for me to be fragile. This is because you have already hurt me beyond my capacities. I cannot imagine anything more painful than expecting someone to be there for you because they told you and you thought they would, when in the end, you were left alone and isolated… because you just had too many problems and they couldn’t care less.
I am in love with the old you.
For brief moments, in some random days, you would turn into the old you. And that is one of the reasons why I prolong my stay. I hold on to the old you because in a few minutes or hours, the old you would be gone and I would not know when the old you would come back.
I think about the old you. I smile whenever I think about the old you. The memories we shared, the laughter and tears, everything. It is stupid because I still hope that the old you would be the you now. Not the you in front of me.
It is sad because the old you is only a thought now. It is sad because it is not reality. It is only in my head. I would do anything and everything just to get the old you back. To make it come to life – to fall in love with you once again.