On October 21,2016 between placing our usual Friday night Grubhub order (2 Zoolander sandwiches, add Avocado) and its arrival, our marriage was over.
It was no one’s fault that after spending 26% of my calendar years with you we grew into people with different visions for our future. Which leads me to making this list, because lists are the only thing that’s working for me right (not one of the 6 things I’ve learned- take it as a bonus).
1. Love doesn’t conquer all.
Whoever tells you otherwise is a liar. We love each other, from the time we were 15 to today and always. You are my beshert, my forever love. But no one knew at 24 when we married that you would want children and a grad school in Iowa, and I would want a house in the town we grew up in with a Chiuahua I could dress in sweaters instead.
2. You need a higher power to pull you off the floor.
I am the least religious/ spiritual person you will ever meet but two of the people I trust the most told me it was necessary and when we went with Anthony to the dollar store and I strolled down the candle aisle(you would have loved it) I saw st. Jude , I immediately dumped it into our hand basket and walked out without thinking. On my first day commuting “home” from NYC, I got off the train walked to the parking lot and had a panic attack when I didn’t see my car and then… my phone died. After what felt like hours but really was 10 minutes of being crumpled against someone else’s car I said “St. Jude please help me” and it was then that I realized I was in the wrong town. And when I wake up every morning gasping for air, I call on St. Jude and it gets me through. It probably won’t last forever, but at least it’s something.
3. Everyone will have a fucking opinion.
While everyone means well, they will tell you, without asking, what they thought of your marriage, what you should do post marriage, and everything in between. It will be hard to silence their voices when you’re sitting on the train or in a meeting at the office, and while you know some of what they say is true, sometimes you’ll wish for a mute button on life.
4. It all comes in waves.
Time will move slow, you will feel like you’re underwater, and your body will hurt for reasons you don’t even understand (why right now as I write this my left calf is killing me?). There will be moments where something will make you laugh and you will feel guilty for it. There will also be moments where you get coffee with your friend Joe and the Starbucks baristas will write “Jo” on your Tall Vanilla latte, a stinging reminder of your heartbreak. You might be standing on a corner freezing, smoking some reservation cigarettes with your friend Joe, when he says, “where is your coat?” and you will burst into tears because it’s sitting in the coat closet back in Riverdale where you left it. Let yourself feel your feels, or as my friend Tommy texted me the other day, Remember to be human.
5. Your support network is crucial.
I am lucky to be in a situation where my childhood friends took me in, and let me cry and distract me with Yahtzee (that is a hard game to learn) and try to make me eat every day. I am also fortunate that my aunt, my brother, my dad, and even my grandmother have offered me hugs and unconditional support. Without any of them, it would just be me and Jude, rocking back and forth somewhere.
6. Everything will be fine.
I don’t know about this last one, but I’m telling myself it to get through the minutes and hours. #everythingwillbefine