When night is getting dark, I often think how fast we forgive and how long it takes to forget. It has been half a year since I have locked that entrance door, watching in disbelief the upcoming nights.
A series of nights when I would wonder about so many things. It felt like finally crawling outside the hell where I had let myself slide again. The breakup pain was not so fresh anymore.
A month had passed from the day when I got the news that brought us to this last talk. There was nothing to be fixed, I already knew it. Those vessels have been damaged so hard, that I have given up sailing that ship anytime soon again. All great achievements need time. I needed time to cool down my feelings, my mind.
Things were running out of my hand for a very long time, but eventually I went into the flight mood to keep on going without shutting down, as it usually happened when things didn’t worked. My heart needed time among all.
When night is getting dark again, I often think how we compromise with ourselves just to fill in that jar of feelings we carry for the other person. How often we discard our own jar. And how bitter we become to know they didn’t need that jar. How difficult it is to live through that disappointment and not devaluate the person we love.
When night is getting dark, I think how fiercely we fight with the other being so different, not fitting our system, refusing to back up us, standing their own ground. How we arm ourselves to with the battle mood instead of simply talking love. How we tend to keep busy, fearing to slide into silence and emptiness that might precede acceptance. What do we do with those shattered dreams of an ideal person we wanted so much to age together with? Can we through that debris away, can we glue the broken vase and love it with the stitches as imperfect as it is?
During those dark nights, I think how little we get to know ourselves before getting to know the other. How we disregard our body reactions to obvious things.
How we ignore that lack of energy that means we are not doing what we like; how the feeling of dizziness aims at showing how much we’re fed up with situations; how we shut up headaches that are meant to tell us we’re in the danger of stress. How we tend to blame and not take care of ourselves in acute moments when we need ourselves most.
I often think how fast we’re to forgive and how long it takes to forget all those things we tell or feel about each other. How we hold that memory as a weapon, not as a lesson and how pain blinds us every time similar patterns happen again. How we refuse to deal with situations, how eagerly we jump in the same boat again, forgetting to slow down and talk-talk- talk as much as it takes to make things work again.
And, I often think, we lack that skill to talk without blaming, every day, revealing the fears of abandonment, that haunt most of us from childhood. How to maintain the balance of your own vulnerability and anger that comes every time you are not heard? How to live through anger and disappointment that happens, even being back together after a break up? How to deal with that time alone you need to walk through that emotional rollercoaster that will happen, no matter
what. How to support each other not getting burnt?
I thought, some nights that relationships aren’t easy. We multitask at finding concordance between loving ourselves and loving the others. Take decisions whether to let them go, or give it another try. Balance what we want with what we have. Accept that we shall get hurt often, and how we respond to our own hurt would build the relationship around. Allow ourselves to be hurt.
We have no recipe for true love and less painful break-ups. We have to try things and see how they work. And time, time is the one that heals it all. If applied correctly, time could mend the wounds and let feelings quiet down, let you see clearly that sometimes, sometimes you have to close that door behind yourself, and take your own road, with a backpack, rediscovering routes that lead to a new sunrise.