You’ll Find Yourself Again, The Version Of You Without Him

You’re going to keep revisiting all the happy days with all the sappy love songs.

You’ll smile at the constant reminder that you he called you ‘my girl’ and that he loves you and that you’ll one day meet his family.

You’ll chuckle knowing you know exactly his schedule of the day, his whereabouts at 11 am to where he spends his nights at 9 pm.

You’re going to roll your eyes at the thought that you don’t even need to text to have him waiting by his phone, hoping you haven’t eaten dinner so he can ask you out. And of course, you’ll say yes (you always say yes) and put on your best i-wasn’t-really-expecting-you’d-call-and-ask-me-out look.

You secretly hope that he knows that it’s 8 pm and you have this very important paper due tomorrow and you’re stressed af so he’ll listen to your rants over a smoke or two..packs.

But when you fall in love and break your heart, you’ve got to understand he’s going to be your hell for the next few weeks..maybe days, sometimes years.

You’re going to start viewing his snap chat stories and you’ll see random hoes (of course you’ll call them random hoes) sharing bottles of beer, inside jokes, sometimes even kisses. And you’ll feel so small you can’t see yourself crushing under the weight of every sharp word exchanged between you and him that Wednesday night when love ran out for both of you.

You’re going to wake up with your hand searching for your phone because maybe, just maybe.. last night, your name crossed his mind and maybe he’s actually sorry, calling you nonstop because he wants you back and he misses you badly. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t miss you enough to think of you at night when you can barely stop yourself from crying.

For the rest of the day, you’re going to feel the disappointment of the fact that while you’re here crying your heart out, he’s happy somewhere, with someone, some place where your name is nonexistent, where your face is an ancient shadow, where you will never reach the threshold of his love

You are a shout in the void.

You are a small speck of light in a starry night.

You are a lost tear in an ocean.

You are living in your nightmares wondering whose hands is on his dick now.. whose lips is locked with his, whose moans he’s making love to.

You are letting the days pass and the nights grow longer.

But dear you’ve got to understand, he was never for you. He was an adventure you have to let go because you are so much more than just a girl he loved and left. And yes, when the lover you thought was your happiness says goodbye, you are often left to find yourself again- that long lost version of you without him. And it’s hard, I know. Because the best of your smiles were always for him.

But I guess the moment you say goodbye to him is the moment you find more reasons to smile for yourself.