Here Is What To Make Of All The Nights You Spend Heartbroken And Wasted

 Alf Santos
Alf Santos

Break-ups make people do a lot of crazy things. Some people put each and every ounce of the unrequited love they gave to a punching bag or a treadmill and lose weight. For some, they turn the ache into art, whether it’s writing at 2 am or painting sad rainbows on a canvass. And others, they spend their time jumping from one adventure to another hoping to cliff dive away the sadness. But for most, they turn to alcohol. (And not in a classy lady in a red dress kind of way. I mean party hard and get wasted kind of way). And if you’re one of them, this one’s for you.

Drinking away the cold, sad side effect of break-ups always leaves the question:

Where do all the drunk nights go?

The nights when you get all dressed up in clothes he would’ve never approve of,

The nights when you turn off all the songs you used to listen with him and replace them with loud electronic beats- the ones that fill up your eardrums to the point of paralyzing your brain,

The nights when you lose yourself a little in the crowd the way you lost yourself when you met him.

The nights you don’t even remember- the ones that leave you confused because in your long list of things to forget, alcohol never lets you cross off his name,

The nights when you gain the guts to call him and tell him it’s his loss and that he made a huge mistake when in reality all you really actually want to say is that you love him,

The nights when on the ‘missing him scale’ of just a beer to five shots of tequila, you’re already halfway through your sixth,

Where do all the drunk nights spent to forget him go?

The countless cigarette butts piled on the ash tray,

The countless strangers you’ve laid your lips on,

The handshakes, fake numbers with fake names, the constant reminder that behind the ‘I just wanna party all night’ is actually a ‘I just hide away from the world in his arms,’

Where do all these go, when all you ever do each morning is wake up and think of how much you miss him?

Maybe we get drunk because we’re too tired of confronting the sad broken feeling of a break-up.

And sometimes, maybe we do it because we just don’t know any other way to get rid of the empty hole he left. That, while some other distractions work, there is nothing that will get you the highlight of your day other than a drunk night, with a stranger’s hand on your hip. And I know, you’d look for shooting stars to wish this hand was his. Then you realize it’s stupid so you order one more shot. And of course, that one more isn’t your last because obviously this night will continue to be a museum of things that will always make his name land at the bottom of every shot glass. When does it ever get better?

Most of the times, after a drunk night, all you’re left with are drunk texts and a bad hangover to remind you that these nights are as temporary as his love was.

You end up with an explosion of I-miss-him topped with the usual I-still-love him mantra that gives you the motivation to get drunk all over again. And I guess, the cycle goes on and on until you lose so much of yourself to all these temporary attachments and bliss.

I’m not saying alcohol isn’t the answer. And I’m not saying it is the answer. I understand why beer pong and margaritas give people the temporary escape we all need and crave for. But one thing I learned from all the drunk nights I’ve spent trying to forget shitty break-ups is that we all have to stop at one point and welcome acceptance. Because while we find comfort in the loss of inhibition caused by alcohol, we miss out on the opportunity that a break-up gives — another chance. I’m talking about a chance to work on ourselves more and build up on what we lack; a chance to better ourselves for another meeting with a whole new different version of love. But you can never take this chance when you are dependent on the fun of drunk nights that pass in a blink of an eye.

A friend once told me that it’s okay to welcome the feeling of missing him; that it’s okay to drink away the sadness sometimes, but to engulf yourself with just that will leave you stuck. It’s important to welcome the shitty feelings with some acceptance.

Accept that he may never come back and that he may as well be just another person in the past that isn’t willing to see your story through. But also accept that your story as a beautiful human being is as worth it as any other.

Accept your defeat in this love story. But know that there are so many other battles more important than him.

And sure, you may be finding it hard to face acceptance, or you maybe just finding it hard to get through your days without alcohol keeping you away from the thought of him. But one thing’s for sure is that dear reader, whoever you are, YOU are something more.

And if you’re a little stuck, trust me when I say that there are mornings- mornings after a drunk night when you just want to shut off the world and stay in bed for a couple more hours (or days). But on these mornings, sometimes you find the energy to get up, take a shower and wash away all of last night, fix your hair, put on lazy clothes, and smile. I think these mornings are the good ones because we’re reminded of strength and courage to face more days. We gain perspective, we gain a whole different kind of smile- the one that says I’m messed up AF but damn it, I’ll try some more. And that, dear reader, was where my drunk nights went. TC mark

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