1. Bobby pins. In your hair, in your bag, in and around your hair and bag — like a hot mess Hansel and Gretel, you leave them on the rim of every sink and surface you grace with your fast and loose hairstyling attempts. In the end, are bobby pins friend or foe? I feel like they usually make me look like a child and/or cause whatever ~style~ I’ve created with them to fall flat, weird, and discombobulated (bob, lol get it? Sorry) after a cool thirty minutes.
2. An abundance of chapsticks, lip balms, rose salves, lip stains, and lipsticks on deck in your bathroom, purse, and car. But you somehow have…no chapsticks?
3. The graveyard of receipts in your car, purse, and desk drawer. Because taxes, also because of never wanting to be the “do you have a trash can, actually?” person in the long line for coffee.
4. Your beauty products. It’s a unique kind of body/face product hoarding we all take place in, as if it’s normal. Which like, it is for 2015, but imagine trying to explain the amount of products you have to the pilgrims. Would they be stoked about the future, or appropriately overwhelmed and confused? Sometimes I feel the latter when I take a look at all the extras, the half-used bottles and tubes in my shower, a memoriam to all the shampoo relationships that just weren’t meant to be.
5. Purse snacks. Snacks on snacks on snacks, one of the best and only redeeming aspects of having to carry a bag. But it can get kind of extreme, with ten almond package wrappers lining your bag like a scarecrow telling you that you’re subbing sad almonds for better food opportunities.
6. Forlorn fridge leftovers. You know, the takeout you didn’t enjoy but were determined to get your money’s worth from, those meals you planned because of your shoddy #fitfam lifestyle attempt, and all the mystery sauces that are better in theory than in practice. You keep thinking you’ll use them in a recipe, until you remember that you
can’t profoundly hate cooking.
7. Old phone numbers. Why do you still have the number saved for the restaurant managers wife, of that place you used to work at five years ago? That has to be taking up some unnecessary space. I have two Diana’s saved in my phone: one is a recent fast friend who I looooved drinking with, the other is a grad student who I worked with once in an academic context. Guess which one I texted about a dude I was thirsting over? Yeah. Delete those doubles, don’t live in my mistakes.
8. Airplane headphones. No, girl. Toss them. I used to keep these, so this is probably a personal problem. But like, why? For what? For why? For how?
9. Sad sneakers. I call these ‘concert shoes’ so that I can justify keeping them — they’re so grody that they’re only acceptable in the context of a sloppy, sweaty, and/or muddy show or festival. In the end, these need to go. Or at least only exist in one form, and not as three bedraggled pairs at the bottom of your closet.
10. Lighters. Blaaaaaaaaaze #legalizeIt #420 #BLAAAAAAZE. What was I saying? Oh, sorry. Just had to blaze with my collection of seven Bic lighters, all purchased at 7-eleven, all highly necessary at the time and then completely obsolete when I got home and had six more. I guess you could justify having these by either being a huge stoner, avid smoker, or a candle enthusiast with a specific form of OCD that requires each candle have its own lighter. Bless you if you’re the latter, that sounds trying as hell.
11. Lonely socks. You will never find the other sock. Accept it and buy more socks on Amazon. Get prime shipping. Have socks. I know, it’s annoying that we can’t find the other socks. There’s probably a Seinfeld episode to mitigate your woes about this.
12. Files, the intangible kind that take up essential intangible space. iPhoto, just all of it. And your screenshots on your desktop. And every mobile upload that’s synced automatically with your laptop. Wonderful memories? Sure, but more than likely 100-200 selfies, dumb quotes, and other useless miscellany — if you’re not careful. You wouldn’t be clicking a list about hoarding if you were careful, babe. I know you. We are *connected.*
13. The contents of your closet you only wear roughly 1% of. You think “I should get rid of all this shi—” and then circle back like, “actually…maybe I’ll wear it. I should keep it. Yeah.” Knowing fully that you won’t wear it again, but more importantly knowing that…well, you have it. Just in case. For everything, for (sort of) ever.