7 Bitches Who Better Have Your Money

Rihanna’s ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ is anthemic and beautiful and simple, it’s everything we I needed from new Rihanna and more. It’s not great, but it’s perfect for the time. Why? It’s perfect for the non-entitled broke 20-something demographic, the ones who are making paltry salaries on their own terms and living beyond their means on the daily; because each $20 someone owes you on Venmo or Paypal or your next paycheck for covering one shift matters, goddamnit. Every. Last. Dime. ******Bitches, to be clear, does not refer to the female gender, but to anyone who better have your money.***** (This post is best read after you press play below.)

1. Brunch bitch

You know the type: orders the eggs benny with alllllll the damn trimmings — hash browns. Coffees on coffees. Soft drinks. Juices. They binge on mimosas like their wallet is bottomless until the check comes, at which time they look around like, “fun brunch guys, split it even?” Nah. Pony up. Bring home the bacon or don’t order the bacon at all, damn.

2. ‘Can you get this round?’ bitch

They order drinks for the both of you and ask you to get the round, conspicuously disappearing into the bar-flirting kerfuffle when it comes time for the second round to be gotten. Have you been had? Yes. Next time, this bitch needs to have the money before the shots are ordered. Because you call the shots. I’m so sorry. This is going to continue to be corny, so.

3. The bank bitch

Ever roll up to your buff bank teller dude with a < $400 paycheck like you’re ballin? No? I’d recommend it. Feels great. Ask for it all in $1’s and then shower your bed with it and then return an hour later like, “hey, I have all these ones. Thank you so much. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

4. The dining hall guest swipe bitch

Your friend who’s maxed out their meal plan and is living off guest swipes — that bitch better have your money, or a sunny disposition and delightful personality that makes dining with them a worthwhile experience.

5. The gas money troll of days old bitch

The one who drove you around in high school — before you were able — to places they would’ve been going anyway and charged like, $5 every time. This was the original Uber, and they were caking off your lack of license. Collect on those dollars. Well, don’t. That’d be insufferable. But think on how shitty that was. Damn.

6. Uber bitches

Here’s a good place to direct that misplaced high school ride deficit rage. The supremely evil board that runs Uber, those supreme Atlas Shrugged bitches, owes every driver a ton of money. Let’s be real. Rides in Los Angeles are so cheap that you could drive around the city like three times and stop for every person who’s their zen-ass way to yoga and it would STILL be less than $25. That’s stupid cheap. All the Uber overlord bitches owe money…not us, though.

7. The bitch who should know you well enough

Because they shouldn’t act like they forgot — Venmo exists. Paypal exists. Mail exists. It’s very much like, “where y’all at?”

Again, so sorry this listicle exists. You know what’s good for making bad things good? Money. So I guess I’m not sorry, because you clicked on this and in some way? I got my money. So go get yours where you can.
BECAUSE BITCHES BETTER HAVE IT.

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