1. Never drink red wine in a room with carpets, or while you’re wearing white, or when you are wearing pastels, or when you don’t have a stain-resistant layer of vaseline protecting your teeth and lips from those heinous stains! Real women only drink red wine privately, but never while crying — that’s what white wine is for.
2. Think you’re good enough to drink eggnog after Christmas? Think again. Say goodbye to that alcoholic milkshake and hello to a vodka tonic — ‘tis the season to indulge in looking good without the guilt! Guilt is never festive. Vodka is always in season.
3. If you’re going to drink scotch – it needs to be neat, on the rocks, etc. No, you do not get to make a face! Really, put your big girl panties on and don’t embarrass yourself by cringing every time you take a sip. You want to channel Hemingway here, or Bukowski, or basically any other white man who loved to hate himself for art and found drinking whiskey interesting; these are the kind of men you will attract by being a whiskey drinker, this is your ultimate goal.
4. I know some people want you to think that drinking whiskey all through the year is a good idea, but does it really sound appropriate on a hot summer day to you? I mean would Beyoncé do it? Probably not. If it’s not good enough for Beyoncé, it’s probably not a great idea to begin with.
5. And don’t get me started on pigeon-holing yourself into being a red wine OR white wine drinker. That is for basic girls named Sally who listen to Katy Perry on their morning commute. My dear ladies, you can choose. This is what the ‘60’s revolution was really about! Or the ‘70’s! All the revolutions. Just don’t forget about revolutions and you’re good on wine.
6. And speaking of drinking wine, never swirl it around in your glass and say it tastes “oakey” or “melodic.” It’s alcohol. It all tastes the same. Go pick up some Two-Buck Chuck and be on your merry way. Real women don’t have room for nuance — like, pick a lane.
7. Anything above 80 proof always ends in disaster, regret, and crying .That said, Everclear is key for impressing strangers: offer it to anyone you want to get to know better. And drink it when you feel uncomfortable. Or alone. Just only drink it when you’re alone, like moonshine. It’s so Gatsby that way.
8. Your drunkenness should always be tasteful and delicate. Think: somewhere along the lines of Lindsay Lohan mixed with Tara Reid and a little bit of Paris.
9. Always trust a person who finds Prosecco much more pleasant than Champagne. And if someone doesn’t know the difference, I suggest you keep your distance.
10. Say yes to tequila on Cinco de Mayo. Say no to tequila every other day of the year when you’re feeling emotionally unstable. Say “maybe” to tequila whenever you’re eating tortilla chips, guacamole, or anything that could be a vehicle for salsa.
11. Your drink pairings should hinge on your outfit, not the food you’re eating, and most definitely never on your feelings or self-determination: would you rather feel good, or have an Instagram-worthy moment in a pastel dress with a glass of rosé? I think we both know the answer.
12. Never pull your flask out in the middle of the bar to add more alcohol to your drink. Come on, you’re a classy lady. Do this in a toilet stall instead.
13. If you’re just a “cool girl who likes beer” don’t worry, there are only 30 billion other girls in the world like you.
14. Like Marilyn Monroe said: “a wise girl leaves her margarita before the leaves fall.”
15. Remember unlike eating where the meal isn’t over when you’re finished but rather when you hate yourself, your drink is over when you’re passing out, can’t stand up straight by yourself, and/or have a sudden urge to text your ex.
16. If you don’t know much about alcohol, whether it’s the difference between a stout and a porter or why some wines are dry while others are sweet, or how to tell the difference between bad whiskey and a good whiskey, do not pretend to know. There are few things more dislikable than a dishonest alcohol showboater. No, you cannot fake it till you make it. Just drink your drink and nod and smile, and when someone says, “It takes like a Chilean red,” always, always disagree.
17. If you ever overhear the term, “White girl wasted,” coming from across the room and people are looking and pointing in your general vicinity, assume that people are talking about you. Abort mission. Your time is up. You are Cinderella without the glass slipper and you need to go hom— well, you need to go elsewhere. Like another bar. Wherever there is alcohol, really. After all, real women clearly keep their focus on alcohol and what it says about their fellow women instead of say, anything else.
18. There is one exception to all of the wisdom the world of “real women” could ever offer: Moscow Mules are good for the entire year. Oh, and “real women drink ____” posts are garbage and should be ignored entirely. Stay classy, ladies.