1. Someone will drink the last of the coffee.
2. You’ll end up in the stall next to a co-worker and it will be weird.
3. You will forget to wear deodorant and spend the rest of the day operating with T-rex meets kangaroo arms.
4. There will always be unhealthy snacks, until the day you’re hungover or craving and counting on them; on this day, there will be not a snack in sight.
5. You will have to unwrap and eat a Nature Valley crunch bar with no safety net: no fan to noise cancel the crunchy horror, no paper towel or napkin to catch the inevitable debris. How much of a Nature Valley bar ever ends up in anyone’s mouth, like a cool 60%?
6. Email signatures: a curiously nerve-racking and boring art. You will debate yours — just your name? Should you include your cell number? Why do people use weird fonts and quotes here?
7. After you consider your signature, you will debate your email sign offs ad nauseaum on the daily: “Best,” or “Looking forward,” or just “Thanks!” You’ll think too hard about exclamation points and they’ll begin to seem unstable, like everyone who uses them is excited about nothing.
8. It will be mortuary quiet and you will L the fuck OL at some email or Gchat and you will feel obnoxious.
9. You will listen to music too loudly on the way into office and be oblivious to your co-worker next to you, like at bass-blaring levels.
10. It will be absolutely freezing and you will have forgotten your sweater and by some stroke of evil, somehow no one else — your co-workers, your supposed allies — will look cold.
11. You’ll lock eyes with a co-worker and it will be weird and you’ll try to cover it with a kind of “sup?” eyebrow raise and it will be more weird.
12. One day it will be a hot, artificially heated swamp for no good reason and you will have to sweat with dignity.
13. Delivery will be ordered and you will be a ravenous food monster but you will have to contain yourself while everyone gets their own.
14. You will get a plant, it will die. You’ll leave it there like that for weeks without noticing. Or caring.
15. Your family member will call the main reception number looking to contact you instead of your direct line, and they will somehow manage to go through three lines before they get to you.
16. You will accidentally get too drunk at the office happy hour. You will also miss your train, or bus, or ride home, or forget that you drove to the office and still have to drive home, and you will have to string transport together without looking like a total mess.
17. The weather will say “blizzard” or otherwise inclement weather and your boss will email “in the case of really bad weather” and you will become so, so hopeful and you’ll try not to plan your day off, but plan you will. Your brain can’t help it, you’re like a dog looking out a window at a tree that could possibly contain squirrels. Squirrels! You will be so excited. And you will wake up and bound to your window, or your inbox. And the snow won’t happen. And the office will be open.