1. Receiving a text from your Mom.
2. Getting an emotional email plea from some fundraiser that you’d never care about otherwise.
3. A cute baby.
4. An ugly baby.
5. Babies in general, really.
6. Baby animals.
7. Knowing you will not get enough sleep in the next night because everything is stressful and you are too busy to sleep enough—who has the time?
8. Quitting everything and getting frustrated at yourself for quitting and then deciding to get a full night’s rest in lieu of actually doing anything because like, how do you get anything done when you are so, so tired—who has the time?
9. Overusing phrases like “who has the time” and getting annoyed with yourself for turning into all of your aunts.
10. Getting a particularly nice text from your aunt.
11. An empty refrigerator.
12. An empty container of peanut butter.
13. An empty container of Nutella.
14. Empty. Fucking. Containers.
15. An inspirational magazine cover.
16. A “Ways to Please Your Man!” title that makes you want to burn down all of the magazine racks in the grocery store.
17. All of the bad movies, especially of the Love Actually variety.
18. Playgrounds full of children, half of which will probably grow up to deal with this PMS bullshit.
19. Reality TV fights that you’d normally skip.
20. Adele-type ballads that you’d normally skip.
21. Doctors offices full of pregnancy magazines.
22. Group texts.
23. The candy aisle.
24. The frozen food aisle.
25. Your long distance best friend’s voice.
26. That asshole you see everyday’s voice.
27. The gym.
28. The idea of the gym.
29. The thought of moving.
31. Your lower back pain.
32. Your swollen and sensitive boobs—half because they hurt, and half because you wish they looked like this all the time. Nature is cruel as hell.
33. Your entire abdomen that is working to SHED THE LINING OF YOUR UTERUS.
34. Not finding any tampons when you know you are going to need one at any given second.
35. The price of tampons.
36. 7-eleven. Like, the entire experience and the general idea.
37. Joan Didion, Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, Zadie Smith, Lauryn Hill, A Teenager On Tumblr Being Real—
38. The fact that your standards have diminished to getting emotional over the writing of angsty teens online.
39. Pictures of anywhere warmer than the frozen tundra you are in now; alternatively, pictures looking any more appropriately depressing than the overtly sunny and positive place you are in now.
40. Dirty dishes and having no clean knives or forks.
42. That sweater or dress or anything that gracefully flatters you at your most water-retaining peak—you know, the one you can’t find.
43. The fact that you are going to say fuck it and put on yoga pants.
45. Group texts.
46. Entering your pin incorrectly and having to wait to enter it again and then having to answer three questions about cash back and your zip code and whether or not you want a bag or did you bring your own bag? JUST GIVE ME THE THING, TAKE MY MONEY. I AM CALM—
47. Public transportation.
49. The sight of your bed.
50. Finally getting that goddamned, godforsaken, ungodly period—because bless anything and everything: a thousand PMS tears are nothing compared to five from a crying child.