1. I will always tell you when your makeup is messed up, and I will fix it for you.
2. I will never let you walk around with nasty junk in your teeth, even the smallest nasty junk — and I will let you know about it quietly, and when you say “did I get it?” I will never lie to you or give up when you have to touch ten different spots to get it right.
3. I will be innocent around your parents and I will always clear my damn plate at your dinner table.
4. I will give you my honest opinion when you ask for it.
5. I will be brutally honest with you when I know you will never ask my opinion, only because you know I’m right about it and you’re scared to hear what you already know. Don’t worry — this will mostly be about people you want to dump and whether or not you should go on a diet.
6. I will never tell you that you should go on a diet, because diets are stupid and I want you to be healthy for life, not “cleansed” for five days.
7. I will take you home when you are too drunk.
8. I will bring you a drink when you need a drink.
9. I will bring you water in the morning.
10. I will let you crawl into my bed whenever you want.
11. Mi casa es tu casa.
12. My Netflix account is your Netflix account.
13. You can borrow my clothes, even my favorites — so long as we agree that we owe each other replacements if we drop that alcohol.
14. I will share the bathroom stall with you when there is a line, and sometimes when there’s not and we just want to talk shit on everyone else.
15. I will indulge you in strategic shit talk: not the kind that makes you an ugly, jealous person, but the kind that is venting, especially about strangers who walk too slow.
16. I will open all of your Snapchats, but I will definitely be the first to tell you when you’ve gone one 100+ second story too far.
17. I will make a big deal out of your birthday; privately, if necessary, but publicly because I know you secretly love all of that corny shit.
18. I will give you no less than seven nicknames, most of which will remain between us and spill out of my mouth when I’ve had one too many, or when I am sarcastically hashtag attacking you on Instagram.
19. I will pick up the phone and call you to see how you are doing, and I will answer your text messages, even the ones that make absolutely no sense the morning after — especially those, really.
20. I will recommend TV shows, books, and movies to you that I know you will love, and many that I know you will hate — I know you’ll do the same with me, and this is why we will end up with good careers, marriages, and accountants.
21. I will help you find your keys and I will know that they are probably at the bottom of your purse.
22. You can have a bite.
23. I will go with you to the nail salon, even when I’m not due for a pedicure.
24. I will support you doing anything it takes to live your best life.
25. I will love you forever and will always be proud of you, because you are the Amy to my Tina, the Solange to my Beyoncé, the bacon to my Ron Swanson. You mean the world to me and I’ll never let you forget it, come hell, high water, or extensive memory loss: don’t think I won’t Notebook you, bitch. If you’re a bird, I’m a damn bird.