17 Sex Positions And What They Should Actually Be Called

DISCLAIMER: This post contains several curse words, one Childish Gambino reference, and at least seven explicit, exclusive photos of — oh, we can’t post pornographic images with text superimposed over them, I guess. Boring. Guess I’ll just have to use my words; without further adieu, here are some realistic descriptive titles for sex acts and positions.

1. Missionary: Virgin’s Delight

2. Reverse cowgirl: Hatefucking 101

3. 69: Dinner For Two | Game Of Thrones | Lazy Blowjob Extravaganza

4. Spooning: Please Finish, We’re Both Tired

5. Handjobs: Much Ado About Nothing

6. Blowjobs: Doing Absolutely No Actual Blowing At All With As Much Penis In Your Mouth As Possible

7. Cunnilingus: Doing God’s Work

8. Girl on top: Look At How Perfect Her Tits Are, Like Seriously, Look At Them And Touch Them Please Do Not Just Lay There Why Are You So Quiet Is This Good For You Oh Fine Get Behind Me Then

9. Doggie style: Super Exciting Butt Stuff For Heterosexuals, A Casual Experience For Everyone Else

10. Shower sex: We Thought This Would Be Better, We Need A Bigger Shower, Do Rich People Do This Well Or Is It Just Universally Disappointing?

11. Against the wall (standing up): Hey Neighbor, Want To Hear Two People Fuck Strenuously? No? Too Bad!

12. Countertop sex (bathroom): Better Than Shower Sex I Guess

13. Countertop sex (kitchen): Are You Gonna Eat That?

14. Rimjobs: Going Against Everything You Know About The Human Body By Putting Your Tongue On Another Person’s Asshole

15. Car sex: Get Off On The Idea Of Getting Arrested Or Give Up Trying

16. Missionary with legs pushed back: The Original Lifehack

17. Anal: Beyond All Other Devices Of Human Origin, [It] Is The Great Equalizer Of The Conditions Of Men, The Balance-Wheel Of The Social Machinery Thought Catalog Logo Mark

For more stuff you wouldn’t show your parents, follow Crissy on Facebook

featured image – About Last Night

More From Thought Catalog