Lifestyle choices are just that: choices. So here are a bunch of things you can choose not to bore other people by talking about.
1. Not drinking coffee
Oh, you exist without caffeine? Lovely. Don’t talk to us before 11AM then, sparky.
2. Not drinking alcohol
Admirable? Yes. Low key rude and judgey to gloat about at the office after you’ve only been alcohol-free for less than 100 hours? Hard yes.
3. Not eating meat
Cool. I don’t eat cherry tomatoes, I think they’re too cute to consume. Are we done here?
4. Not consuming dairy
5. Not sleeping all the time
6. Not sleeping enough
7. Not listening to country
If you still say “anything but country,” you’ve dug too far into predictable and sad answers—talk about what you do like or don’t talk at all.
8. Not giving a siiiingle fuck
0o0o0o0o0oh, a rebel! You don’t give a fuck? Original! Tell us more! Never heard of this “no fucks given” that you speak of—oh wait, I think I did hear that in my AIM info from 2005. Okay. Nevermind. We’re clear. Moving on.
9. Not being on Twitter
Actually, you can stay off social media. You’d probably tweet about waking up in the morning.
10. Not having a T.V.
Cool. Very cool. Do you read too? Oh wow, how literary. How beautiful. Are they leather-bound? Oh. Damn. Well. Okay. I guess this is how this ends? Do you want to talk about how I don’t own a GPS? No? Okay. Well.
TL;DR—You must be so, so fun.
11. Not being on Tinder
So you just meet strangers in other strange places where you can’t see if they are fans of themselves shirtless, and therefore don’t find out that they’re low key awful until the third date? Tight. To each their bro.
12. Not being on Facebook
Please stop announcing that you’ve left Facebook with the same enthusiasm that should be reserved for announcing engagements, weddings, trips, and—okay, literally anything else. Just don’t announce this. Like the posts or don’t, we don’t care.
13. Not living in a city
Your yard is great. My block is great. Do you really need to talk about how wonderful it is to “get out” of the city for good, as if the rest of us have chosen a fate? We haven’t. We just live elsewhere. Calm down.
14. Not being in love or in a relationship
Being single isn’t some huge decision you should receive love and support for—it is literally the way you are born, could anything else be more boring to brag about?
15. Not being monogamous
Neither is your fav cute dog—don’t you appreciate that he doesn’t inundate you with stories of how his lifestyle is “free and more natural?” He stays lovable that way.
16. Not ~caring about labels~
17. Not talking about stuff you shouldn’t talk about
Sex, money, politics, and all of the shit I just told you not to brag about not doing—all very boring things to brag about not bringing up. “That’s why I say *never* talk politics!” You and everyone else who has ever spoken after the age of 15, babe. We’re all boring as hell—let’s at least try our best not to be, okay? That is the question and I’m sticking to it to the grave, like an Internet writer invented by a boring ass Shakespeare. Fin.