1. The no “hello?” at all
This is the sneak-attack guerilla warfare of all communication: someone calls you and you answer with a simple “hello?” only to be assaulted with a barrage of information that could’ve easily been preceded with a damn greeting. Unless you’re someone on par with the president, the owner of the Lakers, or Olivia Pope herself, you have no business calling about your business without addressing your unsuspecting receiver with a simple “hey!” Even if you called about some serious mess, a one to two syllable acknowledgement of the other person’s existent is pretty standard, right?
2. The ridiculous read receipts of doom
People who have their read receipts on—who don’t have important jobs or aren’t clueless parents who turned the feature on thinking that they could see when their innocent babies received their “when r u coming home?” please—are the worst kind of narcissists. Turning on your read receipts in 2015 is like asking everyone interested in speaking to you to form an orderly queue. You know how long that line is going to be when people notice you’re ignoring the hell out of them? Won’t be rolling too deep, man. Get over yourself and ignore your texts with reckless abandon and without clear indicators like the rest of us.
3. The “yeah?” pick up
A cousin of the no “hello,” the “yeah?” is the aint shit way of indicating that picking up your phone is an incredibly difficult task for you. If you answer your calls with “yeah?” you’re probably rude as hell to your mother and people only call you when you owe them something. You should be a talent agent. You’d really thrive in that arena of being a wanton dick,
4. The dreaded “K.”
No one wants to hear “kay” or see a “K.” as a reply. No one. Few people deserve it. If you find yourself sending or saying the dreaded “K” often, you should do some soul-searching to find out if you’re insufferable or if you’ve surrounded yourself with a bunch of soul-sucking losers who deserve that kind of treatment. Either way, you’ve gotta quit the “K.”
5. The maniacal, repetitive “hahahaha” text
If you’re constantly L’ing the fuck OL at messages so much so that you need to type out full “hahahahaha”-s to everyone you know, are you insane? Alternatively, if you are not genuinely l’ing your ao, are your standards just low as hell? Don’t give your hahas and LOLs away, babe. Some things just warrant an “lollll” and that is all. Let go. Live, “lol,” love.
6. The fishing “so….I was just calling to check in…..say hey….see how it’s…..going….”
People who call with this handwringing prefaces to what they really want to say are total leeches who are just fishing for you to bring up whatever hackneyed overblown issue they want to go on about. If it sounds ridiculous and Mean Girls-y, it’s because it is. If you’re sitting there reading this, dumbfounded like “there’s nothing wrong with mumbling my way into checking in on my friend!” then you are that handwringer. Put your hands down and step away from the phone.
7. The “I’m bored” calls and texts that should’ve stopped in 8th grade
You’re bored? You own a phone. I know you have access to the wealth of filth that is the web just like the rest of us. If you want to talk to someone, just say you’re contacting them to talk to them, not because you’re dull and can’t find better things to do. People don’t exist to captivate your interest and entertain you like court jesters—that’s what reality TV stars are for.
8. The voicemail only a child could love
“Mom? Why did you leave a voicemail that’s 15 seconds of static followed by you and Dad arguing over directions followed by you asking me where I put that one pair of gloves the last time I was home three months ago? Come on, please send me 30 texts instead. I love you. No, no it’s not that I don’t want to hear from yo—mom! I am not ungrateful! No, okay yes. Yes I am very blessed to even have a phone. No, I didn’t just write 500 words about how people should talk to me. God, I am not that selfish. I miss you too. Okay. Okay. Okay. I love you too. Okay by—mom. Mom? Did you hang up? Mom?”