1. A moldy shower curtain
A guy’s bathroom is easily the closest thing you’ll get to a private tour of the set of ‘Saw.’ Hairs stick to shower walls, tinier hairs fall everywhere else, and there’s never a hand towel for drying your hands after you wash them—if you’re lucky enough to find soap. Guys, why do you fill nearly empty soap containers with water and act like it’s soap? It’s not soap. It’s post-soap soup.
Your shower curtain has mold on it and you need to buy soap. End the horror story—I would not like to play a game.
2. Suspect lotion proudly displayed on a bedside table
That’s your…personal lotion, right? Like, you don’t just have that plain Aveeno sitting by your bed for your elbows? Like, you don’t expect me to just think that it’s next to your bed because you sit there post-shower and daintily rub it on your luscious man-gams, right? Oh, you expect me to believe that? Oh, so you’re just like…doing things dry? Okay. We’ve said to much. PUT YOUR LOTION IN THE DRAWER, MAN.
3. A pile of damp towels
Why can’t you hang the towels, guys? Why does every dude just shower and let the towel go wherever he ends up, just lets it fall from his body onto the floor to stew in its own moisture? Yeah, moisture. Gross word for a gross concept. Towels hang so that they can be free of bacteria grinding on other bacteria like it’s at a sixth grade dance. Let your towel hang so the bacteria can’t hang…oh man, I just wrote that. This feels like a Mucinex commercial. Second sorry of this post.
4. Boat shoes that need to be put down
Sperrys. Knock-off Sperrys. Dress shoes that you wear without socks. All of these things smell bad if you’re sticking sweaty dude feet in them all the time. Let go of your boats of foot sweat and buy new ones and spray your feet with odor eaters or something—it’s for the greater good.
5. Sheets that haven’t been changed in weeks
Three words: mystery white marks.
6. Secret pockets of socks inside of the bed
I feel like every guy kicks his socks off riiiiiight before he falls asleep—like most humans do—and has the audacity to just leave them there forever. Probably because he hasn’t made his bed in a while, but it almost feels like a sport. Billiards, really. Getting those dirty socks in the pockets of every corner of the bed until you’ve run out of socks entirely and have to re-rack the sock drawer, right guys? Totally. Except for not, because teaching your date to play pool is cute while removing socks from the far reaches of your sheets is…helpless. And crusty.
7. The garbage can with no bag in it
Liquids poured into a container with reckless abandon, left to create a little coffin where all trash goes to die without a safe way to be removed: this is the state of a dude’s desk-side trashcan. Just like, use a leftover grocery store bag. It’s not that hard and you’ll feel good—accomplished even, if you’re doing nothing else—when you can just take out the trash without turning the can over to see what slowly slithers out into the abyss.
Practice safe trash, guys. It’s the least you can do. We’ll love your for it—or at least not hate rolling around in your (filthy, probably) bed.