1. “It’s fine.”
As tired as this truism is, it is definitely not fine. It is a fine line between “it’s fine” and “we’re done,” and you should tow that line by towing your sorry self out of the room reaaaaal quick.
2. “I just think it’s funny how—”
Read: I am about to tell you something that is only amusing to me because of exactly how large the disparity is between what you’re doing and what you should be doing.
3. *Takes 20 minutes to “find shoes”*
You’re late? Totally cool. You can sit there in pre-dinner starvation purgatory while I sit in my room texting, exacting my revenge, and “finding shoes.”
I’m thinking of a way to get you to incriminate yourself before I need to spell it out for you.
5. “I really don’t care.”
The catch here is that we genuinely do not care, but only one of us gets to be indifferent. Your indifference would cancel out my indifference, thereby allowing me to really care, and do you really want that burden on you? No? Thought so. Now choose where we’re ordering delivery from, because I have no preference.
6. “It’s up to you.”
This responsibility is all yours, just like you wanted it. You wanted to be in control right? Right. And now you will choose the thing that I want, because with those four words? I’m the captain now.
7. *Asks you an important question while you’re falling asleep*
*Holds you to that commitment when you wake up*
8. “Can you get the _____? You’re closer.”
Never moving is the ultimate power move.
9. Girls. Night.
What’s more winning than eschewing you entirely to go out, look really hot, and spend time with the true loves of our lives? In the end, independent happiness is what both sexes can always win. Even if a girl and a guy are better together, you’d better give her ample time to be with her be with her greatest friends— or else.