1. You want it back
Your Xbox, your CDs (why do you still have CDs? whatever), your softest shirts, your hoodie you gave them when they were cold, those sweet things you said that weren’t even true honestly because they are kind of the worst, your friends—yeah, that’s right. You want your goddamned friends back. They think they can just casually text someone you introduced them to? Oh, so they just can go do that? Oh, so they can just show up at the party? Yeah, hilarious. Really rich.
2. You miss their pets
So cute. So many cute pictures. A little innocent animal that deserves to be rescued from that stupid apartment, to be honest. You know what’s animal cruelty? They are. They are animal cruelty, embodied in one human being.
3. Their laundry detergent smelled great—what was that?
Was it Dreft? Like maybe one of those Febreeze mixers? They would buy that bougie expensive bullshit, wouldn’t they? Never had money to pick up the check, but apparently they always had money for some good-smelling fresh linen detergent bombs! Reaaaaalllly hilarious. Makes you laugh, really.
4. They have a Netflix login
And the “recommendations” section was always on point for you. Now you need to curate another section of recommendations for yourself by watching things you like so that an algorithm understands your tastes better than a person ever could? No way, man. Give me convenience or give me dial up death, as they’d say. Yeah, that sounds about right.
5. They had good snacks
They don’t deserve the cabinets of cookies that seemed relatively infinite, or the bodega that delivered surprisingly good pizza right to their doorstep. You should get back together and replace all their cookies with quinoa, that’s what they deserve. They’ll accept the snacks you know they deserve.
6. They want you back
in their clutches so that they can guilt you into going somewhere because they know you will go because you love them, and then they take you to that place and within the first five minutes they get passive aggressive because you asked where the bathroom was and they’re like, “I knew you didn’t want to come here,” and you’re like “yeah, I said that and you said that if I didn’t come you would be mad so I came, let’s have a nice time” and they’re like “no, let’s just go. Honestly, let’s just fucking go” and you’re all “okay?” And then you guys date for like six more months, probably.
7. You hate yourself
The best, most foolproof reason to get back together with a horrible ex—who lingers in your mind because there were maybe a few good things about them and you guys had some moments together but on the whole they just treated you like shit—is that you hate yourself and aren’t ready to be happy on your own yet.
Or the sex was too good to pass up. That too.