1. A couple breaking up in the stacks via tempered whisper yelling (“shhhh..wait WHAT DID YOU SAY?! I AM DONE…shhhhhhh!”)
2. One bro asking another for Adderrall as they stand in line for coffee. “I’ll buy your coffee, dude,” he offers weakly, and the other bro counters: “just buy two coffees for yourself, bro. Same thing.”
3. Your roommate or housemate texting you at 4AM like, “yo…I fell asleep in the computer lab and someone stole all my stuff, I don’t have my keys, can u let me in?”
4. The same person at the same table in the same coffee shop, day in and day out, staring at a laptop screen, typing nothing, highlighting papers until all they have are neon sheets.
5. That guy asking (well, begging) everyone in the lecture hall for a pencil to take the scantron exam.
6. Someone walking towards campus, on the phone with their Mom saying “yeah, I’m basically done! Just have to turn it in…literally right now—” as they feverishly shuffle through a stack of endless papers.
7. The person who rolls into the final exam an hour late and begins to have a quiet stroke-meltdown when they realize what they’ve done.
8. Someone crying in the library bathroom stall while three other people wonder if it’s rude for them to take care of business at a time like this.
9. Three kids stand outside in the freezing cold, huddled around a lighter, attempting to create a flame to ignite one short moment of mentholated relief, via two rationed Camel Crush cigarettes. There is a breeze— it doesn’t work. They huddle closer and talk about the speed of the wind, three nicotine-craving meteorologists of circumstance.
10. The fliers that beg for the safe return of an external hard drive that has “THE ONLY COPY MY ENTIRE FINAL PROJECT” saved on it.
11.Hordes of forlorn, nomadic, and woefully sleep-deprived yet still-styled art majors wandering around with cumbersome canvases, clay forms, and portfolios.
12. Hundreds of sorority girls attempting to hawk cupcakes outside of various establishments for a number of charities; all of the girls look incredibly distant and frazzled, because jesus, you want them to peddle cupcakes during finals week?!
13. Recycling bins full of empty wine and beer bottles shamelessly displayed in both house cans and underage dorm dumpsters alike— because finals.
14. Someone explaining to a classmate what they need to score—minimum—to get a passing “D” and complete the credits they need to graduate college and not light all of their tuition dollars on fire.
15. That person who raises their hand after the professor finishes describing the final paper requirements to ask, “is it double or single spaced?”
16. A table of freshman at the dining hall, laughing like they are never going to fail and will live this unexamined, carefree lifestyle of ramen, hookups, and multiple-choice questions forever.
17. The line at the counseling office. An actual line at the health center, just to get an appointment at the counseling office.
18. The line at the health center for misguided individuals who think an excuse note will save them now.
19. Someone at the library book checkout counter, whisper-yelling about the one microfilm they need right. goddamned. now. to complete their unexpectedly difficult (and clearly poorly planned) term paper.
20. The frat bros taking up all the printers in the printing lab to print their holiday mixer fliers while everyone else waits in silent rage.
21. Your 203 group text messages, left unread, describing how great the party you’re missing is and how you should go there instead of studying.
22. That person who rolls up to your study space with a container of pungent takeout food like, “oh sup you don’t mind if I eat this here while you starve and work yourself to sleep do you? Tight.”
23. Three emails from your professor, asking the class via listserv if your final papers are done, as he’s “only received 1/5 of the class roster’s work. What’s going on?”
24. A group of people meeting in public for less than 30 minutes to tenuously and passive aggressively assign roles for a semester-long group project. It’s clearly for the first time, as they don’t look each other in the eye or use names when addressing one another.
25. Droves of seniors stress-happy-houring at the bars, looking almost too happy to be there instead of at home, applying to jobs and writing papers about having said job in tandem.
26. Someone drinking out of a plastic handle of vodka in a backpack in the computer lab, very convinced that no one notices their apparent alcoholism.
27. A perversely jolly liberal arts major says the very thing that throws everyone into a dark abyss of rage: “I have no exams. Just papers— and I finished all of them early!”