1. The Post Meal Lazy Nap Sex
When the Itis sets in and you feel lethargic, you go lie somewhere to cuddle and rest, but one person is all “let’s!” and you use your last bit of human energy to have sluggish, lazy animal sex. It ends in the greatest nap of all time (GNOAT, if you’re into brevity!)
2. Minimal Movement Childhood Bed Missionary
You thought you could have private and discreet sex in your parents’ house just because you’re an adult now? Oh no, Focker. You thought wrong. Have fun trying to mask the bed squeaks by pumping the volume on something appropriate on Netflix; this seems smart at first, but it will backfire when the sounds of the climax of Blackfish (read: whale death at the hands of evil Sea World overlords) prevent your climax entirely.
3. Is That The Dog? Style
“Is that the dog coming upstairs?! Did you hear that? OR is that your Dad…and is he going to kill us or will he just hear us and ignore it but never look at us the same way again, oh God maybe we should stop— wait I think it was your little brother, SHIT!”
4. Up Against The Facebook Wall
That wildly dissatisfying position in which your ex (or anyone else who you’ve been naked with in the past and no longer want to fuck with in the present) pins you up against your Facebook wall and fucks you with a “happy holidays!” or “will u be in town this week?” or “congrats on the new job! long time coming ;)” No one should have to suffer through the monotony of this position, but we do it every year.
5. Half-Time Blanket Handjob
As a result of no. 4, you might end up dipping out of dinner halfway through to go do some quick handsy things under a blanket in the basement or something. Gross. This could also happen during the viewing of a sporting event as you two watch from your couch, which is infinitely more gross, you heathen.
6. The Crescent Roll
You are trying to anticipate the loud pop sound that you know is coming, but can only do so much to contain the noise. Think about the moment when you open the Pillsbury crescent rolls. Now think about trying to have an enthusiastic orgasm anywhere that isn’t your bedroom in your own adult apartment or dorm or anywhere that is not your parents’ house. Crescent Roll away from the shame.
7. Pig In A Blanket
When you figure out your long-term boyfriend— the one you’ve been with long enough to bring home— is actually uncircumcised. You’ve never had sex with all the lights on and you never really noticed until now and you’re like, “huh. Not so different. Moving right along. Shhh.”
8. The Hate Fuck
You see so many people you hate at home during the holidays that you either end up hooking up with one of them out of spite, or you make glorious love to someone who is the furthest thing from any of those people that you could possibly find, and you feel like you’re living your best life either way. Alternatively, you sleep with no one and in so not doing, you hate fuck the universe.
9. The Leftovers
After you’ve had some sex and want to go back in, but your whole family is asleep so you have to quietly “reheat” your meal, as to avoid the horrifying moment when your sex noises wake up a human being who knew you as a child.
10. Overdone Oral
People get really into preparing holiday meals, in the same way that people become almost disturbingly incensed about performing mindblowing oral at every opportunity. I know what you’re thinking: “but Crissy, you prudish hack! All oral enthusiasm is good!” Ah, how beautiful your sex life must be, where no one whispers to you about how much they want to go down on you for a period of time that feels like having to watch a really cheesy, overdone YouTube ad before an amazing Beyonce video. When it comes to oral and holiday feasts: sometimes a simple, perfectly-timed meal is the best thing you could ever have.
11. The Drumstick
Everyone wants the coveted turkey drumstick, but this is when you take fate into your own hands. When you put your foot down and decide that you’re going to have what you want, even if that means taking it yourself… Masturbating. The Drumstick is about masturbating.
12. Post-Shower Temperature Change Shiver Fest
You hop out of the shower and waltz into the bedroom to find your partner chillin—literally, because the palpable difference between your hot shower and this cold room makes you wonder if your significant other is an amphibian—and they proceed to try to get you out of your cozy towel and into their arms. This position can be really fantastic (hence the multiple meanings of the word shiver, get it?! I know! I hate me too!) or it can result in a screaming fight that sends chills up your parents’ spines. More shivers! I know, I hate me too.
13. Under The Table Too Much
You bring your significant other home for the holiday. They sit next to you at dinner. The tablecloth is lavish and covers all the laps at the table— your lap, their lap, parent laps, grandparent laps, awkward step-cousin laps, stoner cousin laps, all the laps. Your significant other thinks it’s cool to stroke your leg, all subtle sexy, under the table. You want to tell them to chill, so you grab their hand, which they take as a “come hither” to your crotch, and you want to scream, “no no no no” but you’re also kind of like “okay maybe but just not so much but also no?” and everything is way too fucking weird and all you want is to eat mashed potatoes and not do this right now.
14. The Weird, But In A Good Way Stuffing
Every holiday meal, someone brings a different version of stuffing and it’ll be like, “Cranberry sausage stuffing sounds a little gross.” but then you try it and it’s surprisingly pleasant. This sex is when the need to be quiet forces you do a very traditional position (e.g. missionary) but you add a twist, a pinch, a something unconventional, that sounds weird on paper, but turns out to be good.
15. The Cranberry Sauce
The sexual epiphany when you realize this risky, inappropriate, in-your-parent’s-house forbidden sex is kind of great, and wonder why you don’t have it more than once a year. Then you remember that *pizza* exists. You recall that you can get it delivered to your own apartment where you can have it, totally uninterrupted, free of all distractions and shame. You look to your sex partner in victimless crime and say, “oh yeah, fuck cranberry sauce. Wanna go back to my place and eat pizza forever?”