1. “I should really decorate. Look outside! ‘Tis the season—”
Why be a productive Grinch at work when you can be a lazy, yet incredibly festive, Jack Skellington at home? ‘Tis the season not to freeze your appendages off. (Someone write that carole, stat.)
2. “I’ll go to the _____ holiday party for like, a few hours. Just to get some fresh air.”
Go to the office party. Go to your greek life mixer. Go to your impromptu high school reunion. Never return home. Go forth in the direction of your intoxicated, warm, pink-nosed dreams.
3. “It’s too cold. Just for today, I’ll stay in and watch movies.”
You stay inside for two days and ignore texts from your friends until you reach the point of inciting concern. You finally respond with, “ah I was so sick this weekend…it’s this weather!” No one can argue with you, because *this* goddamned weather!
4. “It’s actually so unseasonably nice out! It’d be a waste to stay inside.”
Anything above 40 degrees calls for the removal of sweater layers and hours of celebration, even if that celebration takes place inside, next to a window, next to a beer.
5. “I have everything I need right here. In my bed.”
The key to never doing anything this winter is doing everything from your bed. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and keep your laptop and six half-empty water bottles
6. “I worked really hard this fall. I busted my ass.”
Only Working Every Single Day October + No Days Off Besides Thanksgiving November = Do Nothing December.
7. “No one is going to be working today— it’s a ______.”
Noreaster. Polar Vortex. Nice day. Whatever term you want to throw in there, the excuse still holds up because everyone is making it for each other. You’re all in this together! It’s just like Snow Day, except you might lose your job and have a miserable New Year. Adulthood is tight!
8. *Car takes longer to warm up in the morning than it takes you to shower and get dressed*
When you reach the point of diminishing returns on waking up a few minutes earlier just to be a little warmer on the commute to work, you should just stop going to work. Science.
9. “I have to shovel the driveway.”
How can anyone expect people to do anything but lay on a couch near a heat-blasting vent after shoveling a driveway? Is shoveling the driveway part of the Olympics yet? if not, that whole tradition is, to be frank, total bullshit.
10. “Kids have off school.”
The youths are out to play and you should be too, because age aint nothin’ but a number, right? I don’t know. I’m sorry that pervy excuses are the best ones to use in the winter months. Maybe they’ll thaw and be mildly questionable by spring.
11. “What if there’s black ice?”
Black ice should be everyone’s low-key yet entirely thought-consuming fear. It can wreck your car. It can break your neck— just as you’re reaching for that Amazon Prime package of goodies, black ice will take you out. Cold. Ha, cold. Okay, but seriously. Black ice doesn’t care about your friends, family, or seasonal aspirations to finally go ice skating without falling on your ass. Black ice will have you on your ass in ten seconds flat, and you will maybe be dead. Please believe it is a valid, life-threatening reason to never leave the house until mid-April.
Post-snow boot soaked socks, three layers of shirt-sweaterness in one day, and one very over-worn pair of jeans. You should probably put in for a short vacation, just to catch up on having clean clothes to sweat in on public transit.
13. “It’s snowing.”
This excuse really is the panacea for any question or call to action to which you don’t want to answer. “Can you shoot me an email with those numbers?” It’s snowing. “Can you be there early next week?” It’s snowing. “Will you marry me?” It’s fucking snowing.