We all get this, right? Is Panettone a fruitcake? Why am I still seeing panettones in my local grocery store? Do people have family members who work for panettone dealers? Do we feel sorry for those family members? Is it your weird, removed Aunt who your Mom has “tried” with and is “just done with for now?”
Stop panettone. Stop fruitcakes. Stop fruitcake jokes. We need to forget them, we need to let the idea of a fruitcake leave our cultural consciousness. Stop the combination of a healthy word with a beautiful one. We have carrot cake for that; there can only be one.
2. Half-assed sliders
Just meet me at Applebee’s and call it a goddamned day.
3. Yule log
Why? Is this a marshmallow diss? Why can’t we just eat smores? Why must we be subjected to mushy rolled nonsense? If you’re going to include one roll at your party, make it the far superior Jubilee Roll, which is an ice cream cake roll of wonder.
Alternatively, you could roll a blunt:
Ayyyyeeee [joke about evergreen] [joke about Santa re: chimney] [.gif of a blunt being lit] HaPpY HoLiBLaAaAzZeEeE!!
4. Your family’s stale gingerbread house
We get that it was a joy to build. I truly hope gingerbread houses save marriages and bored children every year, however, I cannot support this tradition by masking my distaste as I am forced to consume a stale sculpture made of mediocre cookies that five people have put their grimy paws on. Just make gingerbread men, you plebes.
5. Sad Christmas cookies
I don’t want to eat Rudolph’s crispy, red-hot-cinnamon-encrusted nose. Save it for the coloring books. Look: your cookies are beautiful and bring me joy from an aesthetic perspective, but please only make eight of them and provide a brownie and/or chocolate chip situation to compensate for this festive misgiving.
6. A surprise attack religious sacrament
Should I eat this star of David cookie? Is it disrespectful? I guess not, right? But like…this feels wrong? Okay, it’s good. You guys are cool. But please don’t make me eat a marshmallow baby Jesus. Please do not make an edible nativity scene. Please.
7. Depressing deviled eggs
Done well? Sure. Done poorly? Someone is going to vomit in your sink and you can only blame yourself.
8. Mini quiches
Hm. What have we learned—maybe just don’t do eggs at all? Yeah, that sounds reasonable. No egg-centric things. How did we even get here? More baked goods then, fine.
9. Absurdly stale biscotti
You only put it out to get rid of it and you fucking know it, Barbara.
10. Eggnog with no alternatives
The holidays, at their core, are about giving, sharing, merriment, and love. Unless you truly hate yourself and everyone around you, then you will not subject your guests to runny, sad, room temperature, budget-screaming eggnog with no sign of another beverage for relief. Think of the children. Think of all the alcohol you could offer instead. Noel & namaste.