Dear All You Babely Dudes,
You bunch of total, raw, manly babes. You beautiful bearded bunch. You bare-faced, sweet little human animals, you. You’re great. I want you to keep doing you. I really do. I want you to keep describing yourselves, even if that means using a string of unintelligible emojis. I hate that, honestly, but I am all about creative expression, so who am I to tell you not to express yourself with a tiny cartoon of a dog? Who am I to tell you not to say you ‘love adventure, friends, and family,’ even though like, fucking duh, of course you do? I am no one, that’s who. I would like you to keep in mind that I am no one as you read this, before you take your riled up “you’re no one, bitch!” comment down to the bottom of this page. I am no one.
Except for when I’m telling you this next thing. When I tell you this, I am everyone: please stop expressing how much you love whiskey on your dating profile.
I really do not understand how we got here, to this place where enjoying a beverage has become not only a facet of one’s character, but also a perfectly acceptable identifier used to say a bunch of things at once. Maybe it was Don Draper. Maybe it was a backlash to endless years of beer advertising (although I’d take an “AND TWWWIIINNNZZZ” joke over “and I like my whiskey” any day.) But think about it: what are you really trying to say when you tell me you like whiskey? Why is it so significant? Why not tell me what kind of milk you drink, or whether or not you partake in the occassional glass of tap water? Those two things are far more divisive than whiskey, as when it comes to alcohol, human beings tend to let each other imbibe whatever they want without judgement as long as the end goal is to be a little more on the same level of ease and sociability. Friends let friends drink Fireball, even.
So why do you keep telling potential mates about how much you love whiskey?
Because you think it makes you superior to guys who don’t drink whiskey, and you think that it will attract the kind of cool girls who do drink whiskey, or at least respect you more for doing so.
Does it seem like I’m making a big jump in reasoning? Probably. I mean, I am. But there’s no other sound reason for this whiskey lovers united phenomenon in the online dating game. You think it sets you apart in the same way that veganism is supposed to set someone apart as healthy, or fitness is supposed to set someone apart as more hardworking. You’re trying to say that you’re unique, a gentleman among beer-chugging brutes. You’re telling instead of showing, though. It’s like saying, “I’m a nice guy!” You’re yelling “I’m special and reminiscent of simpler times, when men wore suits and women were subservient and whiskey was neat!” into the void. Shhhhh.
I love whiskey too, man. I just don’t think that’s the most interesting game you could throw at me in 140 characters or less. What do you do? Do you like pets? Do you remember Clone High? Shit, do you have a favorite book? These are things that take thoughts and traits, things of a little substance, at least, and not things you put in a glass and choke back until you get used to them enough to enjoy.
So just stop identifying with whiskey. You saying that one of the most interesting things about you is your love for whiskey gives me metaphorical whiskey dick, you feel? No? You’re probably mad at me. That’s fine. Have a jack and coke and tell me how you really feel, I guess. You were going to do it anyway.
And while you’re at it, put your shirt back on. Come on. Your mother didn’t raise you to do that.